Page 11 of The Lover
“And you don’t think driving three hours to see you and make out with you is going first?” Denny asked.
“He was pissed about the money,” I insisted. “I knew he was going to be.”
“Denny is right. He wanted to see you,” Maryanne argued.
“See, you can’t do that with Jake,” I told them. “You can’t assign him motivations. He’s completely upfront and honest about everything. If he missed me, if he wanted to see me and that was all, he would have said something.”
I could tell neither of them were buying it, but I knew Jake. The kiss. It meant something. There was no getting around that. We were changing again into something else. The weekly calls. He obviously still wanted me. That kiss had been intense. Nothing had changed in that department.
“We need more time,” I muttered.
“You’ve got the rest of the semester,” Maryanne reminded me.
“I’m so bummed he’s not gay,” Denny said.
Then we all kept drinking until we literally kicked the bucket.
* * *
Jake
Iparkedthe truck under the portico and thought I had made good time getting back. Less than three hours.
I made my way inside and I hated how dark the house was. How quiet. When Ellie left, I considered moving into the bunk house. Figured it might help get me acclimated to what we were now. I wasn’t her husband any longer. Not really family anymore.
I was back to being the hired help.
Then, before I could pack, Rich showed up and it seemed stupid for us to share the bunk house when we both could have our own space. Besides, I got the impression Rich liked his privacy. He worked hard during the day, but I knew he was a drinker at night. I wasn’t quite sure how heavy a drinker, and unless it interfered with his work, it wasn’t any of my business.
Unless he was going to be the solution going forward. Once I left for my ranch. I didn’t know if I liked the idea of him out here drunk at night with Ellie in the house.
Ellie. She’d looked so damn beautiful today. I saw her and realized what had been missing these last months.
Her. Her from this house. Her from my life.
I missed her. I missed her every damn day. I hadn’t felt like this since… but no, I didn’t do that. I didn’t think about when my mom left. I never thought about that time. Ever. That whole part of my life had been erased from my memory completely. It had been the only way to compartmentalize it to make it less than what it was.
Besides, there was no point in sharing any of that with Ellie. It was hard enough being away at school for her. She didn’t need the added pressure of my feelings to worry about. Presumably she would be there another four years. I didn’t know what we would do over the summer. Definitely by then I would have to move out.
Otherwise there would be no shot at maintaining my distance. That line, the one I had kept so diligently between us for a year, had been erased in one night.
Thinking back on it, I did some serious damage to it the night I made her come for the first time too.
Just the memory of that, which would pop up at random times throughout the day, was enough to make me instantly hard.
I never let myself think about the night I took her virginity. If I thought about the sex… if I let myself think about what that night felt like, to be inside her… then it became really damn hard to tell myself it had been a good idea letting Ellie divorce me.
Letting Ellie leave me.
No, when she came back this summer I absolutely had to vacate the house.
I could get started on the plans for my house. It was strange, but what I told Ellie was the truth. When I thought about it, what it might look like, what considerations I might have when rebuilding, it all seemed so amorphous. I had no vision of what the house should be. For someone who spent as many years as I did wanting my land back, saving for it ruthlessly, doing nothing but thinking about the future of the Talley ranch, it was strange that I wasn’t more aggressive in making that happen.
Like most things, I tried not to overthink it.
Instead I made my way through the empty house, got some water, headed upstairs and when I climbed into bed, only then did I let myself think about what I had done by kissing Ellie.
I’d wanted to do it the second I saw her. All damn day until finally it was something I couldn’t not do.
