Page 25 of The Baby
It was something I never told anyone. Never said aloud anyway. How angry I had been at my dad for dying. Forleavingme.
The thought of doing that to my child… of having my child be that angry with me. I couldn’tbearit.
I thought the only way to change that was to change something tangible in our lives. Like I could create this safety net, and once I was sure it was in place then I could let myself be happy aboutthebaby.
As if Jake and his happiness weren’t supposed to be as importantasmine.
Another groan. Suddenly it was all so completely clear how selfish I had been. Three years into this marriage and I was still learning onthejob.
I heard the downstairs door open and close. Instantly, I tensed. He was back, so that was a good thing. I thought he might have pulled a me and headed for the cabin as an escape. Then I heard his footsteps on thestairs.
I had closed my door. I figured if he passed it, then he would realize where I was sleeping. Would that make him more upset or relieved? It was hardtoknow.
Except then I heard him pass the door without stopping. Not a knock. Not a check up on me. Nothing. Just right past me as if he was fine with me sleeping in another room. It hurt and tweaked my heart, but I couldn’t be upset it about because I pushed himtothat.
God, I had so fuckedthisup.
Then not five minutes later, I heard footsteps coming down the hall again. The door opened, no knock, and I cringed, worried there was going to be more yelling. Because truly I deserved more yelling, but I really super hated it when Jake yelledatme.
But no, he just came over to the bed and pulled back the covers. Then next thing I felt were his arms slipping under me and him lifting me against his chest. Which was crazy, because take my normal size and add the baby weight on top of that, I was flat outheavy.
Obviously nottoJake.
“But you’re mad at me,” I wailed even as I put my arms around his neck. He was shirtless, which meant he’d realized what I was doing by sleeping in the other room, went back to our room to change before he came andgotme.
“Yep,” he said as he carried me to our room and laid me down onthebed.
I looked up at him then. It was hard to look at him when I knew what I had donetohim.
“But you’re my wife. You sleep in my bed. Angry or not.Gotit?”
I nodded. I was not giving him any reason to be any angrier with me. He got into bed next to me but he didn’t try and bring me closer. He turned out the light on his side of the bed and we both lay on our backs, pretending there wasn’t a three-thousand-pound elephant sittingbetweenus.
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t sleep on this and deal with it the morning. I turned on my side toward him and propped myself up on my elbow so I could see his face in the dark moonlitfilledroom.
“I’msorry.”
“We’ll talk about it in themorning.”
“Okay, but I get to say that I screwed up and I know it. But you also have to know I already sent a letter so you can be mad about everything at once. I didn’t tell her much about anything. Just that we were married and going to have a baby and she was the only grandparent still alive, and did that matter to her. It was facts and no emotion. I was going to tell you, but I wanted to wait and see what she did first. I thought if she didn’t even bother to write back, I didn’t want you to know that and feel rejected all over again. Which of course now you will know, so I screwed that up too. I’m so freakingsorry.”
Jake sighed and then turned on his side toward me. “It’s not going to hurt me if she doesn’t write back. I have no emotion left for her to be hurt by her. If she doesn’t communicate, it will be simpler. Ifshedoes…”
“I will tell her I shouldn’t have contacted her and to never contact usagain.”
“Or ignore her and she’ll go away. She’s good at that.Trustme.”
“Okay.” Tentatively I reached out to touch his chest. “You know I didn’t do this to hurt you. It was wrong and I was selfish and I see all of that now. I thought… I thought it would help me… withthefear.”
He covered the hand resting on his chest and pulled it so that it was over his heart. “I know that. Once I cooled down, I realized how scared you must have been to have even thought about doing somethinglikethat.”
“I don’t think I deserve a pass forthisone.”
“Oh trust me, you’re not getting one. I just haven’t thought of a creative way yet for you to repay me. What I’m saying is that I knew you were afraid, and I kept expecting you to get over it, and that wasn’t exactly fair of me either. I should have taken more care to understand why you were so scared. We could have talked about it more. I could have maybe assured you that I intend on planning for everycontingency.”
This time I moved forward and he brought me against his chest. I kissed him right above the nipple and felt the relief flood me. He didn’t hate me. I hadn’t hurt us beyondrepair.
“It is getting better,” I mumbled. “I told you I think I can ridePetunianow.”
