Page 66 of Elijah's Hope
That’s when the truth of what had been eating me up these past two weeks surfaced. The reasons why I told myself I couldn’t look back because there was no point. “I think part of the reason you were so mad at me when you found out I had lied was because I ruined the image of what you wanted in a woman. I wasn’t the nice girl, from the nice family with the college degree who wanted to teach. I wasn’t the angel you thought I was and that’s what killed you. It wasn’t the lies. It was not being what you really wanted. A woman who was the opposite of your mother.”
Sitting on the edge of the bed, almost like his legs couldn’t hold him up anymore, he closed his eyes at my words. Because he knew they were true.
“You didn’t give me a chance to explain anything because suddenly I wasn’t me anymore. I was some trashy girl who worked in the sex industry, just like her. Who also had a criminal record. When you realized it wasn’t the whole truth, you came after me because you think you can put me back on that pedestal and make it all right again.”
“No, I don’t want an image. I want you,” he said softly. Too softly, I think.
I could feel a hollowness in my chest as I prepared to say what needed to be said. Carefully, I sat next to him on the bed without touching him.
“It’s not going to work, Eli. Not with me. Because I am not an angel. I created a woman for you with that profile. I did that for a damn good reason. Because no one would have picked me to be his date. Not as I am. No daddy, a dead momma, running cons for my worthless uncle since I was twelve. A convicted criminal to boot. I am trailer-park trash, only good for working behind a bar and showing my cleavage so I can get by on tips.”
“You’re so much more than that.”
“I wasn’t. No, I didn’t strip and no, I didn’t agree to make that video, but I can’t sit here and honestly tell you that life and circumstances might not have brought me to that place someday.”
“Then let me save you from that.”
I rubbed his scratchy cheek with my palm. A face so precious to me. Feeling the sadness and the joy at the same time.
“You already did,” I told him. “I didn’t know what was going to happen to me. But then you came along, my very own angel with these airplane tickets so I could escape hell. You treated me with respect. You courted me. You made me feel human again. Like I was worthy of you. Worthy of all those feelings I had for you. You showed me what making love is supposed to feel like. What being cherished is supposed to feel like. You gave me everything. I’m never going home. I’m never going to steal or con people again. I just got a job at the coffee shop down the road and there is another job at a bakery a few blocks over where I can work early-morning shifts, which will be enough for rent and food. Until I figure out what I want to do with my life. But I know this, I’m going to be okay. That wasn’t the case a month ago.”
His head dropped into his hands and I rubbed the back of his neck, giving him all the comfort I could.
“Shelby, you need to believe me,” he said low and deep. “I don’t want this to end. I don’t want a fucking angel. Or perfect image. I want you.”
“I’m sorry, Eli. But I don’t believe you.” I bumped my shoulder against his with a half laugh. “And isn’t that the suckiest thing ever for you, since you never lied about anything other than wanting what you wanted and your last name.”
He stood then. “What do I have to do to prove it?”
“Go back to Hope’s Point,” I told him. “Move up the corporate ladder. Find a nice lady, from a nice family, a real one this time. You deserve it all, Eli. You do.”
“I’m not leaving, Shelby. This isn’t over. It can’t be over.”
“I’m sorry, Eli. But it’s over for me. You have to leave because I need to have myself a good hard cry. Then I need to do the work of putting the best man I’ve ever known out of my heart. So if you do care about me, even a little, you’ll go now.”
He walked over to the door, shaking his head.
Then he turned back to me. “Was I ever in your heart? Really?”
I sighed. “How can you ask that?”
“Because you were desperate, you needed an escape and I gave it to you. Maybe that’s all I was to you. How do I know you’re not happy to be rid of me?”
I swallowed. It might have been easier to agree with him. To watch him walk out that door thinking I didn’t love him. Easier for him to get over me. Easier for me knowing he was never going to come looking for me again.
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let the one person in my life I truly and deeply loved not know that.
I walked over to him and placed my hand over his heart. “I’ve told you so many lies, I don’t know what you’ll believe. All I can say is that I got on that plane heading for Alaska thinking I had been saved already. All I needed to do was work on a plan to maybe find a job or something that would keep me away from Louisiana. I didn’t think there would be anything beyond the one date and then I would take off. Instead, I found you, and you were like some dream I didn’t know I could have. Knowing what they did to me, I also didn’t think I could trust another man again, but you made it so easy. So yes, I did fall in love with you and I don’t regret it. No matter how much it hurts to let you go.”
His jaw was tight. “I’ll leave. But this isn’t over. I won’t let it be. So you can try to put me out of your heart, but know this. I’m not letting go.”
He left and slammed the door behind him so hard I felt it rattle in my chest.
15
Portland,Oregon
Eli
