Page 70 of Noah's Reckoning
She shook her head. “No, it’s not right. They are her feelings to share or not. But I think both of you would make things easier on each other if you told the truth.”
The truth.
I guess I needed to figure out what that was.
* * *
Later that night…
Olivia
The phone rang and I debated simply not answering it. Maybe he would think I’d fallen asleep. Maybe he wouldn’t stop calling until I picked up. It was hard to know with Noah.
I sat up in bed and reached for the phone on my nightstand.
“Hi, Noah.”
“Did you want to be pregnant? The truth, Liv.”
Of course it couldn’t have been a simple phone sex call.
I felt the tears that I’d suffocated all day rush to the surface. I tried to choke back a sob, but it escaped me.
“Aw, Liv. Why didn’t you tell me?”
Then the words came rushing out. The truth.
“How could I tell you? You were completely freaked out about the idea. You said we escaped a disaster. And maybe we did, because while I told myself I could have handled a baby on my own, I don’t know if I could. Then you would have been trapped. And I would have been the one to trap you and you would have resented me for that. So no, I didn’t want to be pregnant. I didn’t. I’m just…sad. Can we leave it at that?”
I heard him release a long breath. “I’m sorry, Liv. Sorry to hell I wasn’t more sensitive. More thoughtful of what you were feeling. But you didn’t tell me any of that. You shut me out.”
I had. Because shutting him out had been easier than letting him in. I thought about what Jenny had said. That I should just tell Noah the truth. The truth I realized when I knew I couldn’t take the day-after pill. It would hurt because he couldn’t possibly feel what I did, but maybe it was the only option to see my way through this to other side. Because I couldn’t pretend anymore.
I coughed out another sob even as my chest got tighter.
“Talk to me, baby,” he said softly. “I can’t see what’s inside your head.”
“I love you.”
That was the truth. That was the thing I hadn’t been able to escape. I knew it when I threw away the pill. Knew this morning, when I had to grieve the reality that I wasn’t going to have Noah’s baby. That I wouldn’t be able to see his child with his eyes snuggled in my arms.
I swallowed and waited for him to say something, but I knew it would be impossible for him. Beyond having shocked him with my confession, he wouldn’t know how to reply. Not without hurting me.
Because nothing Noah had ever done or said implied he felt the same way. It was too soon for us. Logically, I knew that, but my heart didn’t seem to care about logic.
“Liv.” His voice was low and rough. “You’re upset. You’re not…thinking.”
I closed my eyes, listening to him trying to reject what I’d said. He was right about one thing. I wasn’t thinking. For the first time I was just feeling.
“You walked into that conference room that first day…you were this legend. My very own engineering hero. Then you started shouting at everyone and me. I thought you were scariest thing I’d ever seen but the most fascinating, too. I knew I wanted to be around you. Even though it was like trying to get close to a cactus bush. Didn’t stop me though, did it? No, your prickly needles just wanted to make me jab you back even harder. I told myself I was defending myself. It wasn’t true. I was provoking you and, on some level, I knew it. Because even when you were snapping at me, you were interacting with me and I ate it up. Your attention. On me. It’s all I ever wanted. Anyway…that’s all the truth I have for tonight. I’m really tired, Noah. I’m going to hang up now.”
“Liv, wait!”
I held my breath. I waited. But I knew it was too much for him. Too much emotion. Too much truth. Too much heartbreak. It would kill him to hurt me, I knew at least that much.
After a few moments the silence just got awkward. For both of us.
“Goodnight, Noah.”
