Page 40 of Caleb's Salvation
After checking the fire in the stove, I cleaned up the remnants of the soup. Settled everything back into its proper place then decided there was nothing left for me to do but get into bed.
I stripped off everything but my boxer briefs. Despite my habit of sleeping naked, I wasn’t so blasé about our sleeping arrangements that I would risk shocking Vivienne.
Cautiously, I got into the bed, trying not to disturb her. But just like she’d done for the past three nights, she snuggled against me as if I was an oversize stuffed animal.
I’d kissed another woman who was not my wife. Now I’d slept with another woman who was not my wife. I was currently hard for another woman who was not my wife. I didn’t bother berating myself for my erection. Obviously, I wasn’t going to take advantage of a sick woman.
But she was here, tucked against my side, her breath on my chest and being immune to that reality was beyond my willpower.
At least we’d gotten over the awkward part. Where I confessed I’d seen her naked, touched her naked. Funny, I hadn’t been hard at all while doing that because she’d been so damn sick and her fever so high it scared the crap out of me.
Nothing sexy about that.
Except now I could reflect on the fact that her nipples were brown, that she had a host of freckles all over her body. That the soft patch of red hair between her legs was as crimson as the hair on her head.
All those memories were mine now. Like the blanket and like the woman sleeping trustingly in my arms.
“Sorry, Sarah,” I whispered up to the ceiling. “I couldn’t help it.”
11
Three dayslater
Vivienne
I chewed the bottom of my lip and thought about how to say what I needed to say to Caleb without upsetting him. Or worse, hurting him. Then I considered how I would feel it about it.
Sad, I knew.
Maybe I didn’t need to say anything. Maybe he would figure it out on his own and simply tell me it was time for him to leave.
Because the truth was I was fully recovered. I’d been eating for a few days, real food beyond soup. I could stay awake all day, and I had all the energy I needed to look after Sam.
So last night when Caleb had gotten into bed with me, it suddenly dawned on me he didn’t need to do this anymore. He no longer needed to see if my fever spiked, no longer had to worry if it would break during the night and I would be covered in sweat. Even my voice was starting to lose some of its hoarseness.
Lying next to him I’d started to feel things. Things that had nothing to do with nausea and everything to do with how it felt to sleep next to a large, mostly naked man. Only in a way that felt shameful. He was acting as my nursemaid and I was having sexual thoughts about biting his thick, heavy chest.
Which was why, sitting at the table with him in the morning while he did the airplane trick with Sammy again, I knew I had to end this. It was becoming too normal. I was liking it too much, now that I wasn’t totally focused on feeling like crap.
He had to know I was recovered. Had to know he didn’t need to feed Sam because I could do it. So any second, he was going to announce that he’d done his part to get me back on my feet and it was time for him to head to the camp.
I’d already asked him about missing so much time from work, and he told me that Jackson was filling in and keeping him apprised of everything going on he needed to know. That I shouldn’t worry about it.
But surely now that I was on my feet again, he’d be getting antsy to get back to his own place, his own job.
“Spit it out, Vivienne.”
His words startled me out of my ruminations. I blinked a few times struggling for something to say because suddenly I didn’t want to say the thing I should. That I was better and he could leave.
However, not saying that made me feel needy. I didn’t want to backslide into that state when I’d made progress being independent.
But independence didn’t keep the bed as warm at night as Caleb did.
I thought about what Eve said, how winter in Alaska was different with a man warming your bed, and I saw her point. It was early morning. The sky was still dark. The intimacy and warmth inside the cabin a direct contrast to the cold isolation outside.
This felt cozy. Too cozy, which meant I had to suck it up and end it.
“I feel better today,” I confessed. “Finally like myself.”
