Page 44 of Caleb's Salvation
Which seemed such a shame. Because the man who’d watched over me, taken care of me and Sam while we were sick, that was a man who deserved a family. Deserved a child he could play the airplane game with anytime he wanted. Who willingly got out of bed at the first hint of stirring so that I could sleep.
I’d watched him in the dark pull Sam out of his crib, change his diaper and snuggle him against his chest, until Sammy couldn’t resist the lull of the rocking and drifted off in Caleb’s arms.
Then Caleb had come back to bed and I drifted off into his arms, too.
Drifted off only to have sex dreams. Dreams of Caleb on top of me, inside me. Dreams that felt so real I woke up with an orgasm. Because that had to be what that feeling was. An all-over delicious body yawn.
My first one. With Caleb. Even though he didn’t know it.
The door to Bud’s opened and like everyone did every time, we all looked to see who was coming in. As if some night there might be a surprise when there rarely was.
Tonight, it was just Caleb. Alone. He gave chin nods to those who reached out to him, but he made his way to the bar instead of a table. I took a few orders, trying not to stare at him, trying not to wonder what anything between us meant.
Because I didn’t know. I’d lost my mother but had never felt connected to her in a way that her leaving crushed me. I’d lost my father but his version of love had always been so judgmental and restrictive it had been hard to offer him any affection in return.
Did I pity Pop? Yes. Did I worry about him? Yes. Did I miss him? No.
So I had no understanding for what Caleb was suffering. I only knew that when Sam had been so sick and I’d felt so helpless to make him better, I’d had this ungodly fear I’d never come close to feeling before.
Caleb had that fear realized when he lost his daughter.
So that I understood. And that I knew could be soul crushing. Pair that with losing his wife of seven years and the pain was nearly unimaginable.
I could see how deep the wound went now and I knew it wasn’t healed.
But what I didn’t know was where that left me. He’d kissed me, he’d wanted to have sex with me before I stopped him. He slept in my bed like it was an expectation for him to be there.
We’d been doing what felt like this strange dance for months, where I moved right while he feinted left. And now suddenly he was right on top of me and I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to handle that.
Except that orgasm had felt really, really good.
Could it be as simple as that?
It certainly wasn’t with Sammy’s father. I’d been motivated to rebel, to experience, to lure someone into changing my life for me. That’s all that experience had been about. Nothing so simple as pleasure. In fact, there’d been little of that.
But I didn’t need that anymore. I had a life, a job, a child, a home. Friends.
I’d changed my life for myself.
Was I allowed to have a lover?
Slowly, so he wouldn’t know how completely fixated I was on him, I made my way to the bar where he was sitting. I tried to keep it simple so I bumped his shoulder with mine.
“Avoiding tipping me by going directly to the bar? Feels a little cheap, Caleb.”
“Woman, I’ve been giving you no less than twenty dollars a night in tips every time I’m in here.”
This was true. And when he saidtips, he meant the money I just kept from him because I knew I could. All part of our dance.
“No guys tonight?”
“No. Jackson’s in Nome with Kate and Eli’s with Shelby.”
“Heard from Ark at all?” I’d only known Ark for a few weeks before he’d left Dyson. But like Jackson and Eli, he’d been a regular at Bud’s.
“Actually, yeah. He called to tell me he and Olivia are married. No big to do. Just immediate family down in Mexico for a destination wedding.”
“Oh, well, that’s exciting. Seems crazy, though. Like it was only a few months ago that he got all riled up any time she came into town.”
