Page 66 of Caleb's Salvation
Anger, unlike any I’d ever felt, nearly overwhelmed me.
This was new. I didn’t get angry. When Dave said he couldn’t handle being a father, I was ashamed and scared. When Pop said we couldn’t live with him anymore, I was ashamed and scared.
My problem. My fault. I blamed myself for their issues.
I wasn’t blaming myself for Caleb. Not this time. He was the coward. Not me.
“Fuck him,” I spat, clearly shocking everyone at the table. The word coming easily off my tongue this time. Maybe I was starting to become more Alaskan after all. “If he doesn’t want what I can give him, there is nothing I can do about that. I’ve got me and Sam, and we’re doing all right up here. That will have to be enough. Now, I’ve got to make some money.”
Which, of course, would be harder without Caleb and his twenties.
I clenched my teeth down hard, smiled all night and did what I had to do for me and Sam.
Because that’s all that I could do.
And if somewhere deep inside I didn’t think it could be real, that Caleb couldn’t be gone for good, I didn’t share that with soul.
* * *
Plainview, Texas
One week later
Cal
I didn’t have a fucking clue why I was here. I’d come to the Lower 48 with no real agenda other than to get away. I’d stopped in Oregon and saw my folks who seemed happy enough, although curious, to see me so unexpectedly.
My folks were never big on surprises.
Then I made my way to California to see Sarah’s parents. Something that had been uncomfortable for everyone. All we ever did was remind each other what we’d lost. Still, it wasn’t a connection I was willing to totally sever.
The fact that they made me stay with them for the night proved they weren’t exactly willing to let me go, either.
They’d asked me what was wrong, what was upsetting me. I thought it was funny my own folks hadn’t.
I told them I was missing family and, in so many ways, that hadn’t been a lie. I was missing family. Mine, but also Vivienne’s.
The next day I knew it was time to move on, and apparently, that meant here.
Plainview, Texas.
I pulled my rental car over to the side of the road and turned off the engine. The car was a Ford Taurus and I hated it. I felt trapped inside of it, like it was some kind of tin can on wheels. The door was too light. The top of the car was too close to my head. The steering wheel, no matter how far I moved the seat back, was too close to my chest.
All of it felt claustrophobic.
I popped open the door and crawled out, standing and breathing actual air.
Tepid, dry air. Nothing that hurt your lungs; certainly nothing that required any heavier clothes than the black Henley I was wearing with jeans. This was summer in Hope’s Point.
Around me, the people I saw walking along the streets all had some manner of coat on, like it was chilly.
I tried to imagine it over a hundred degrees in the summer.
“…the heat in Plainview in the summer is unlike any heat you’ve ever felt, I’m sure.”
I could hear her voice in my head and even that hurt. I tried to shake it free, but I hadn’t been able to. Not since I left. I thought coming here might help me put some of the pieces together.
See for myself where she came from, what made her leave. More importantly, what made her so insistent she wasn’t ever coming back. The town wasn’t much. A couple blocks, at best.
