Page 51 of Mostly My Girlfriend
10
Two monthsapart
Jules,
Okay, I realize that last letter might have come off sounding more bitter than I intended. I’m supposed to be groveling. I get that. You’re the victim. Although I’m sure you hate that word. I know I was the one to fuck up. I do.
Not by fucking you. You need to understand that I do not regret that night. Whatever happens going forward, I will always know that you saved me from some kind of horrible breakdown. But that night also cracked something open in me. Something scary enough that I ran.
I thought maybe give myself time to heal? But the truth is, the longer I sit with it, the more I learn to adjust to how this feels…and the easier it is.
Are you listening to me? Do you hear what I’m telling you? That thing I’ve been scared of all my life, losing control, happened that night. But turns out it’s not so scary after all. And I don’t want to get over it. Ever.
Please write back. But you should know, even if you don’t, that this, us, is not over. Not by a long shot.
Ethan
* * *
The morning after
Ethan
She was asleep in my arms. Completely oblivious to the turmoil of my thoughts. Of course she was asleep. I’d never taken a woman that many times in that many ways in my life. I considered myself to be a sexual person but last night had eclipsed any previous experience.
Except, of course, for the last time we’d been together.
Maybe it had been the abstinence these past years… God, if she knew about that. If she knew the last person I’d fucked before her last night…was her.
It all made a twisted sort of sense now. What was the point of other women when having her was beyond compare?
I needed to get up. I needed to get out of this room. I could feel the panic filling my chest, but still I didn’t move. Because I liked the feel of her naked thigh pressed against mine. Of her soft belly cradling my flaccid dick.
Listening to her breathe helped me to breathe.
But in the end, when I thought of what I would say to her when she woke up…I knew I had to go.
As cautiously as I could, I slipped out from under her and off the bed. Not that it would have mattered. A train running through my room wasn’t going to rouse her. I pulled on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt from the suitcase. The suitcase Jules had packed for me because, after she told me the news, I’d lost any ability to think or act.
Quietly moving across the room, I closed the door behind me with a faint click. Barefoot, I padded down the hallway toward the kitchen. A cup of coffee and some space and I would figure out what I needed to say.
Jules, thanks for fucking me so I didn’t Hulk out. But I can’t…handle you.
Yeah, not great.
In the kitchen, my mother was already sitting at the table. A cup of tea in front of her.
“Mom,” I croaked out, because just the sight of her made my heart ache. “What are you doing up? It’s too early.”
She looked at me and I could see the pain in her eyes, and it made me want to cry.
“You could take another pill...” I suggested and the irony wasn’t lost on me.
She shook her head. “There is no pill for grief. Or sadness. Or heartbreak. There is just time and acceptance, and both of those seem very far away right now. Sit with me. Keep me company.”
I put together a pot of coffee first, then joined her at the kitchen table. I always preferred it when we ate in here. It felt more like we were a family. Something we all had to try a little too hard to make happen.
“I’m sorry I was such an ass growing up,” I blurted out. It was too late for apologies. Dad was already gone. But I had to try. “I’m sorry I made things harder for you and Dad.”
