Page 37 of Don't Leave Me
I was staying at the same motel as the last time I was in Florida. Happy that tomorrow, I would be in a place that felt more permanent. All these decisions I made felt good. Right. Like I was putting pieces of a puzzle together, and, once they all interconnected, I would have the finished product.
Laying on my bed, I reached for my phone and texted Ash.
Me:Do you still text?
It took minutes, but eventually, my phone dinged.
Ash:No, there really hasn’t been anyone to text. I’m adamant about not getting Danny a phone until he’s at least eight.
I smiled.
Me:That’s another rule we should write down. No phone for the kid until he’s eight.
Ash:Adding it to the list.
I was about to text some other innocuous thought when she sent another text.
Ash:Why aren’t you angrier with me?
It was a good question. When I found out she was alive, after my initial shock, my thoughts swirled around anger, betrayal. Even some kind of retribution. Although that mostly entailed orgasms.
Then, I’d thought about why I’d felt so angry and betrayed.
It was because I’d been so hurt. The grief I felt over losing Ash was all-consuming. I didn’t think I would know joy again. I didn’t think I would ever be happy again. Easy things to think in prison, but they all seemed to be compounded by her absence.
She’d been part of me for so long, not having her be part of me was a sadness I didn’t think I would ever overcome. Hell, I’d been prepared to simply live with it as my due.
So yeah, for making me be that sad, I wanted to hate her. But I couldn’t.
Me:Because you’re alive.
It was that simple. She was gone and we were separated. Now she wasn’t gone, and we didn’t have to be separated.
Ash:I’m sorry.
Me:I know. So, you can stop saying it. The past is behind us. Now it’s all about the future.
Ash:What does that look like?
Me:You’ll see.
My answer was intentionally ambiguous because I had this sense of not wanting to scare her off. She was like a rabbit caught in a field by a predator. Cute, but also a little bit jumpy.
As each day had passed, and things in my head and my heart became clearer, I knew I had figured out some essential facts.
I didn’t want custody of Daniel. I wanted him in my life.
I didn’t want him to spend weekends with me; I wanted to spend weekends with him and Ash.
I didn’t want an agreement or a court order.
I wanted a family. I wantedmyfamily.
The trick would be getting Ash to believe in that again.
