Page 48 of Putting Out
“Yes. You showed up. With your damn smile and your wine. I told you I had a boyfriend. I told you I didn’t want to get into this with you.”
“I heard you. But I also felt you kiss me back when I said I only wanted to kiss you goodbye.”
“It was a cheap trick!” she fired at him.
“Like hell. You wanted me and you know it. You’re feeling guilty you cheated on your boyfriend and now you want to take it out on me.”
The pillow was now a tight ball in her hands. “I didn’t cheat. Technically. I don’t know. Robert and I haven’t… we just started dating. You can bet that if I were involved with someone sexually this would not have happened.”
Kenny doubted that. They had this thing. Trying to fight it was like trying to stop the sun from coming up.
“What about you and Erica? Doesn’t she mean anything to you?”
“Yes,” he barked, angry that she would even mention Erica. “I’m not sleeping with her if that’s what you mean. We’re taking it slow. I’m thinking of maybe getting serious with her.”
Tessa laughed, but there was no humor in it as she plopped down on the bed. “You’re such an ass, Kenny. You don’t think about getting serious with someone, it just happens. One minute you’re dating and the next minute all you can do is think about that person. It’s called love and it doesn’t obey timetables and preconceived plans.”
Kenny sat on the bed with her. She looked so sad and it was killing him. He hadn’t come over to make her sad. He’d come over… because he knew he could. Because he knew how she would make him feel, not just during sex, but after, too. Like he was on top of things. King of the world.
A scary idea crept up on him. So frightening he almost didn’t want to put it into words, but it seemed like the explanation for why she was so sad.
“Is that it? Are you in love with this guy?”
Tessa looked at him and sighed. “I’m in love. Yes.”
“Holy shit. I didn’t think… I wouldn’t have, you know, pushed you.”
She shook her head. “It was my fault. You were right. I feel guilty and it’s easier to blame you. Robert’s a good man. A decent man. He deserves somebody who… it doesn’t matter. I know what I have to do. You need to go.”
Kenny stood up and finished dressing. He pulled his shirt on and stepped into his sneakers and when he turned to still see her sitting on the bed, he was overcome with an emotion he couldn’t place. Maybe sadness. Definitely regret, but he didn’t know what the hell he was regretting.
“Are you saying this is it? I mean, forever?”
She stood up and faced him, her arms wrapped around her middle. Her hair was a crazy mess around her shoulders and he could see tears in her eyes. She was breaking his heart.
“Regardless of what happens with me and Robert, yes, this is it. I can’t keep doing this, Kenny. I need to get you out of my life and you need to stay out. Don’t talk to me if you see me on the street the next time you’re home. Don’t come over if you happen to be in town some time next winter. Just go away.”
The punch to his entire system was like nothing he ever felt before. His heart turned over in his chest and he was pretty sure he was going to puke his guts up in the next few seconds. “Tessa, we’re friends,” he said, trying to make her understand that whether or not they had sex, he still needed to know she was there for him.
“Really? Have you ever called to say hello? Have you ever sent a Christmas card? When you came over did you ask about my mother or my work or my life? Do you care about any of it?”
“I care,” he insisted. He hadn’t asked her about any of it because damn it, he’d wanted her. Bad. He’d wanted her the second he saw her and maybe more because she had dared to flaunt a principal in his face. He wanted to show her the sex would always be different between them, special. More special than anything she did with fucking Robert.
Walking over to him, she laid her palm over his heart. The touch, so gentle, so like her, made him hurt all over inside.
“It’s been nice knowing you, Kenneth Carr. You have yourself a good life.”
“Please don’t do this.” He flinched at the raw quality of his voice. He heard himself begging and hated it, but he knew he would do it again. He would beg her not to cut him out of her life.
“I have to,” she whispered, the tears falling down her cheeks. “I’ll never get out from under you if I don’t. Please go. Please, Kenny.”
There was nothing else to say. Nothing to do. He felt hollowed. Like the Tin Man. Why the hell that dude ever wanted a heart, he would never know.
Numb, he made his way downstairs and out the door. He drove home but if anyone asked him, he would have no recollection about the ride. Auto-pilot had kicked in and taken him down all the familiar roads he had traveled so often. It was later than he thought. The house was dark. A night owl, he might have thought Reilly would still be up, but after a day like the one she had with Pierce, she was worn out.
He was grateful. The last person he wanted to talk to about Tessa was Reilly. No doubt she would stick up for Tessa and call him about a dozen horrible names for going over to her place to begin with. She accused him of leading Tessa along, but Kenny knew it wasn’t true. In the beginning, sure. She was sixteen. He was eighteen. She had a crush on him and he didn’t do anything to stop it. When he came home from college that one time and realized that she was all grown-up, he figured what the hell.
Then it just became a thing. Now the thing was over and he couldn’t seem to wrap his mind around it. He couldn’t accept that he was never going to see Tessa again. Never going to touch her, kiss her, slide inside of her. She was part of him. Part of his life. A person like that just didn’t go away forever.
She was mad. She had a thing going with a new guy and maybe he messed it up. But she would get over it. Assuring himself what had sounded like the end, wasn’t really the end, made him feel better. He made his way into the house and navigated the creaky wooden steps like he used to when he was a teenager all the way to his room. Stripping, he crawled between the sheets of his bed. With his arms over his head, he stared up at the ceiling and told himself Tessa had just been emotional.
What they had was too good. Too real to vanish. However, he did acknowledge showing up on her door and expecting sex wasn’t necessarily classy. He did care about her life. He wanted to let her know they were friends. He was going to have to step it up.
He’d already missed Christmas. But he was pretty sure her birthday was coming up. He’d send a birthday card and some flowers. He’d call her and wish her a happy birthday. That’s what friends did.
Smiling, he closed his eyes and visualized once more what she looked like naked and then recalled in detail the exact moment when he’d made her come.
Friends, yes. With benefits.
