Page 61 of Reverse Pass
* * *
By the timeI get back to our apartment, my whole body is stiff again from the rough practice. It was a challenge to be back on the field again after so long off it, but I’m determined to be a playmaker for the team again even if I have to beat my body into submission for it.
It’s late and while I’d planned to talk to Violet, I don’t think I have it in me tonight. I don’t know whether I should go straight to bed or try to take another hot shower to loosen the muscles that feel like they might snap me in half. All I really want is to curl up in bed next to Violet, but I’m worried I’ll wake her up in the process, and since we haven’t had a proper conversation since Cameron left, I have no idea where we stand on that front. Or how she’s feeling in general.
At least, I was worried until I walk in the door to the sounds of laughter coming from the living room. I can hear Joss talking and a male voice answering her, and the distinct sound of Violet’s laughter along with another man. My eyes catch the clock on the stove as I limp my way out of the hallway. It’s almost midnight.
When I round the corner, it’s obvious no one heard me come in. Joss is sitting in one of the guy’s laps in the chair, and Violet is sitting on the couch. Another guy is sitting next to her, arm draped over the back of it and his knee bouncing against hers as he talks. I feel a sharpness in my chest as I stare at the two of them. Cam had been one thing. I could understand why things went the way they did. This, however, was more than I could take tonight.
I know she mentioned she was going out with Joss tonight, and they’re both dressed like that’s exactly what they did. So that means they brought these guys home with them and given the hour it’s hard to imagine that the guy next to Violet is here for anything other than sex.
“Ben.” Joss’s eyes widen at my appearance, and the room goes silent.
“Ben! Oh my god, are you okay?” Violet asks, noticing my apparent hobble.
It’s not enough for my ego to be shattered by finding her with someone else, I literally couldn’t even kick the guy’s ass if I wanted to right now. I’d just fall over and crumple into a pile on the floor if I tried to throw a punch. Not that I have any right to do anything, because she and I have never discussed exclusivity. She’s not even mine to fight over. Another strange pang in my chest, and I’m headed for the shower.
Violet scrambles up from her spot on the couch, and the guy clearly looks annoyed. I want to stop her before she gets too close, before she touches me, and I forget that I’m pissed at her.
“I’m fine. Just a rough night. I’m gonna hit the shower.” Because no way can I fucking sleep when she’s got a guy here she’s hooking up with. I turn as sharply as I can manage to get out of here before I say or do something stupid.
“Let me at least take the bag!” She’s at my back, but I ignore her.
“Fuck. Is that her boyfriend?” I hear the asshole on the couch ask.
Joss mumbles something in return I can’t hear. I keep marching toward the bathroom like I can’t hear Violet. I toss my bag into my room and go to turn for the bathroom door, but she’s standing there in between me and the sweet salvation of hot water. A long hot stream of it that’s going to cover the tears I feel might actually come from feeling too fucking much tonight. Too much pain. Too much frustration on and off the field. Too tired to fight it.
“Ben, please. There’s gotta be something I can do. You look awful.” She looks me over and concern is etched all over her face.
“You seem pretty busy. You should stay out there with your friends.” I press past her into the bathroom, but she follows me.
“Do you want me to run a bath? Or get ice? What can I do?”
“I just need to shower and get some quiet time post practice. I’ll be fine.” I try to keep my voice level, but I’m having a hard time and it comes out harsher than I mean it.
She wilts in response, stepping back out through the door frame.
“Okay,” she says softly, her eyes going to the floor and then she disappears from sight.
I shut the door, turn on the hot water and then lean back against the counter. I’m so fucked over this it’s hard to think straight. It’s karma I guess for all the women who I’ve probably hurt over the years unintentionally, that the one I want is happy to just be fuck buddies and wants nothing else from me. To fuck me when it’s convenient, and fuck someone else when I’m not around.
Then she has the audacity to try to take care of me when I’m hurt, help me with school, take me in, and do every kind thing imaginable when all I want is an excuse to dislike her. I’m clinging hard to the idea of her fucking this guy and having fucked Cameron too. Maybe if I hear her tonight it’ll set me straight and remind me why I can’t have her. Why I have to give her space and be happy with the parts of her she’s willing to share. It was after all, better than the nothing I’d had for years, wasn’t it?
I climb into the shower once the water finally heats and lean against the tile. The warm water is like a balm to every ache in my body, including the one in my chest. The second I close my eyes her face is there though, and I’m wondering if she’s already undressing for him in her room.
* * *
When I getout of the shower I towel off and wrap it around my waist, opening the door and praying that whatever is happening is either over or quiet. I cross the hallway and notice that the lights are all off now in the main parts of the apartment and her door is shut as I open my own.
So I’m startled when I see that the small lamp is on, and Violet is asleep on my bed. Her eyes blink as I shut the door, and she sits up abruptly when she realizes I’ve come into the room.
“Sorry, I was just waiting for you, and I guess I was tired,” she mumbles as she smooths her hair out. She’s still wearing the clothes she had on earlier, the ones she’d come home in which leads me to think she didn’t fuck the guy she brought back with her.
“Did I fuck up your plans by coming home?” I ask, turning my back to her as I go to my closet to pull some clothes out.
“What? No. I just wish you’d let me do something to help.”
“I get banged up sometimes. I’m used to it. Just takes a couple days and I’ll be fine.” I answer her as I grab a pair of underwear and pants out of the closet.
