Page 89 of Reverse Pass
“I’m still in love with you, Violet. I tried—hard—to forget you. To find someone else. To feel something else, but it’s always you at the end of the day. I know now I fucked up asking for space. I was just scared—the commitment, planning the wedding, the idea of forever just really got to me.”
“You proposed to me,” I interrupt because this really feels like he’s trying to frame it like I trapped him when getting married had been far from my mind when he proposed.
“I know, but when I did it, I felt like I was just following the path. Painting by numbers. I got my MD. I finished my initial fellowship. Now it was time to get married, and I was the guy, so I needed to propose.”
“Well that makes me feel like… absolute shit.” I give him a bright fake smile.
“I know. I screwed up. And then I panicked because I screwed up. I thought the wrong things were the problem. Now I realize how much I took for granted, how much I love you, and how there’s no one else for me but you. I know you can’t forgive me overnight, and I know you’re not going to forget what I’ve done, but if you give me another shot… I will do everything in my power to make it up to you, Violet. I can give you the life you want. We can travel. We can do research. Raise money for the arts. Live where you want to live—east coast, west coast. I don’t care as long as you’re with me.”
The tears break freely now, because everything hurts so much. That Cam is finally saying all the things I wished he would have said so many months ago. That him saying it now just feels hollow and empty, because the only guy I want to be with is the one I’ve just hurt so much I’ll be lucky if he ever speaks to me again. That I’ve put myself in this stupid unenviable position by trying to keep up appearances and worrying about what everyone would think instead of just being honest.
“Violet don’t cry, sweetheart. Please. I know I hurt you, but I can fix it.” Cameron gets down on his knees in front of me, his elbows on my thighs as he reaches to pull my arms away from my face as I sob into my hands at the insanity of all of this.
“I need space right now, Cam. Please go.” I manage to get out between the tears. I don’t have the heart to tell him I’m crying about Ben and not him, because it would be cruel to say it, but I can’t sit here and pretend with him either.
“Okay. Whatever you need.” He stands, looking back at me with a pitiful glance before he leaves the room.
All I need right now is Ben, and he’s all I can’t have.
TWENTY-EIGHT
Ben
I standout on the deck, watching the sun set behind the mountains and the shadows fill in the valleys of snow and evergreens. I take a sip of the whiskey Violet’s dad poured for me hoping it’ll warm me up and run the ice around the edge of the glass.
“So, how long have you and Violet been a thing?” Nora’s voice is behind me, and I’ll give her credit for being sneaky because I didn’t even hear the door open.
“Don’t know what you’re talking about.” I shake my head, and take another sip of the whiskey, a bigger one this time because I know my sister well enough to know how this is going to go.
“Let’s pretend for a minute that I’m not an idiot, and that I’ve noticed the way you look at her, touch her, and the way you’ve looked like someone punched you in the gut ever since Cameron showed up.”
“I don’t give a fuck about Cameron,” I say shaking my head.
She leans on the railing of the deck, and peers up at me through the fading light.
“So if I told you they made up and they’re upstairs fucking right now, you wouldn’t care about that?”
I feel like I’ve been shot in the chest.
“What?” I ask sharply.
“Exactly.” She gives me a smug little smile.
“There’s something wrong with you, you know.” I stare down at my sister, trying to remember that she usually has good intentions as I take a deep breath.
She shrugs.
“And Violet doesn’t want you to know. She thinks you’ll be pissed at her. That she took advantage of me, which is fucking hilarious.” I can’t help the smug smile that comes to my face.
“I mean, I am pissed at her. At both of you. For exactly what’s happening right now. Because you’re fighting, and now I’m stuck in the middle, and who am I supposed to choose? My baby brother or my bestie who’s been by my side since we were in diapers?”
“You don’t have to choose. We’re adults.”
“But she hurt you.”
I shrug. “It’s not her fault. I thought that… I don’t know. I hoped for things she couldn’t give me. She was in a not-great place after Cameron, and I should have left it alone.”
“You were in a not-great place after your suspension.”
