Page 97 of Reverse Pass
“Wash off the fucking tattoo, Violet. It’s not funny.”
“Given that you have tattoos Ben, I’d think you’d know they don’t wash off,” I say sarcastically, and it’s a mistake because he practically snarls at me in response.
“Stop trying to be cute, Violet. It’s obviously a temporary tattoo. Now wash it off.” He pumps the soap onto his hand and pulls my wrist under the water, lathering over the spot where the number is etched into my skin.
And even though I should be worried about the way he’s reacting to this, focused on the fact that he is furious with me, I’m mesmerized by the feel of his hands on me again. The way his fingers run over my pulse, and the heat of his body against mine. The smell of the citrusy soap melds with the smell of him, and I bite my lip because being alone with him for five seconds has me already wishing for more.
He scrubs harder at the tattoo, running his nail over the outline of the seven before he finally relents. His face softens slightly for a moment, a puzzled and then shocked look, before his eyes snap to mine. Anger settling over his features again a moment later.
“You got a permanent fucking tattoo? Have you lost it? You realize they’re forever, right?Idon’t even have my number tattooed on me.”
I pull my hand back from him sharply, wiping the water against my shirt and cradling my wrist against my side.
“Yes, Ben. I realize that’s what permanent means. God, you sound like my mother, now.”
“Your mother?”
“She said the same thing when I told her and asked what I was going to do if you… reacted just like this actually.” I laugh at my own fate and the fact that my mother is going to love the fact she was right.
“Your mother knows?
“Yes. I video chatted with her and dad the other day. I explained everything. Dad suspected. Apparently, we were ‘very transparent’.” I sigh.
“What did you explain?” His brow furrows.
“I apologized for not telling them about Cameron and I breaking up, and how that all ruined Thanksgiving. And I told them that I’d had feelings for you for a while. That I was pretty sure I was in love with you. And that I had royally fucked things up with the way I treated you. I doubted that you were going to forgive me, but I had to try. And no matter what I was always going to be one of your biggest fans, for everything you are and everything you’ve taught me these last few months.” I feel my voice starting to waiver, like I might cry at any moment, and I stop talking and stare at the ground. I’m willing myself to have some sense of composure. That breaking down in tears in a frat house bathroom is an experience I could continue to skip.
He’s silent though, and it’s killing me. Normally he telegraphs everything, and I know what he’s thinking. But his face is blank. A solid canvas of nothing and I’m starting to feel ridiculous for having tried to win him back, especially in such a public way.
“I’m sorry if it… if this whole thing embarrassed you. I just wanted you to know, to see, that I don’t care who knows that I’m… you know.” I sniff back a sob and laugh to try and cover it up.
“You’re what?”
“In love with you. Obsessed with you? Crazy maybe?” I try to laugh it off but a few of the tears roll down.
His hand goes up to my cheek, his thumb wiping them away as he cups my jaw.
“Are you sure that’s how you feel, and this isn’t like guilt because of all the history between us and our family and—“
“Ben. I’m sure. I’ve been in love with you for a while, I just got scared.” I cut him off because the doubt on his face makes me feel even worse, that he can’t even believe me when I am telling him.
“And I pushed you instead of being patient.”
“You were very patient. With Cameron and all the stunts he pulled. With me wanting to hide everything.”
“You had your reasons. You and Cameron were together a long time. You were gonna get married. You were worried about Nora. Just because I’m hurt doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”
I stare down at my wrist, wondering at how he was so much younger and yet so much wiser than me. Wondering at how I’d ever gambled with losing him. I take a deep breath, and raise my eyes to his again.
“Does it mean you’ll forgive me?”
His eyes soften and he looks at me like he might still want me even after everything.
“Yes.”
The tiniest bit of hope is blooming in my chest as I stare at him, his warm brown eyes with the flecks of gold in them still watching me carefully.
“I love you so much. I understand if I’m not what’s best for you right now or what you want. But I hated the idea of you not knowing how much I felt, after everything you shared with me. So, I just needed you to know, okay?” I smile, tentatively.
