Page 21 of Lilah
For a kid, a father's arms should feel like the safest place in the world. Not the scariest.
The smell of alcohol on him was what hit my senses first, then I felt the tight grip of his hand on the back of my shirt.
He pulls me away from him like I'm on fire and the neckline of my tightens until it is choking me.
"I-I'm sorry," I struggle, trying to swallow. He lets go of my shirt, shoving me away from him. My knee gives out and I fall, landing on the coffee table.
I just catch sight of the Jack Daniels bottle right before it rolls off the table and falls to the ground, breaking on impact with the floor.
Fear encases me and my heart sinks to my feet as the dark liquid flows on the hardwood floor.
The sound of his belt unbuckling causes my eyes to well up with tears.
"Look at me," the sound of his belt stops. I hesitantly raise my eyes to his. He hooks his belt back and I silently thank God.
"You took him away from us," he slurs and I bite my lip to hold back a gut-wrenching sob that is begging to be let out.
"I know," I cry out softly, "I know I did."
Does he think I don't already know that?
"You were the last face he ever saw," he continues and I cry harder, "the person who did this to him was the last thing he ever saw."
The dark and empty void in my chest only grows as my father tells me things I already tell myself.
"Go upstairs," his voice turns dark. He grasps my arm in a tight hold and he drags me to the stairs.
Panic fills my chest as he drags me past my room. He stops in front of Jake's door.
"Please daddy," I sob, "Please don't."
He opens the door to the room I haven't been in since the crash. I don't hold back the cries that escape my lips as he forces me into the room.
"You're the reason he's not in here," he slurs angrily in my ear.
"Please, take me out," I sob, trying to escape his hold.
It hurts so bad.
"Think about what you did," he roughly shoves my arm away from him, and I nearly nosedive to the floor.
"You ruined this family, I hope you know that," he closes the door behind him. I hear the sound of a click and I panic again.
I shoot up from my position on the floor and grab the door handle. I wiggle it and try to open it but it's locked.
The guilt from everything overwhelms me and I fall to the floor in a heap, crying every tear in my ducts.
This is worse than any kind of physical harm my father could have done to me, so much worse.
I lean my back against the door and for the first time, I peek out from behind my hair at the room.
It's the same as the day I last saw it.
Except for the silence in it now.
A silence so painful sticks to the room and it rings in my ears.
The trophies, sports awards, and jerseys stare back at me, only reminding me of how talented and gifted my brother was.
