Page 69 of Reflex
There was no holding inside her disappointment or her fears.“Why am I so scary, Spook?What is it that makes the prospect of us so terrifying?”
He drew a lazy spiral on the back of her hand, the tingle of which she felt all up her arm.“We’ve been over this already.”
Actually, they hadn’t.What they’d done was skirt around the subject, without ever pinning down the central issues.He’d never explained why abstaining was so important to him.Nor, why it was fine for them to explore third base, but going for a home run was out of the question.Heavens, he’d gone as far as fifth with Xane.Even if that was, admittedly, a long time ago.
“Alle, I don’t want to talk about this.”He made a point of stretching and then pulling his arms back in to his body.“How about we just enjoy one another’s company?”
That was precisely the reason she was asking.So that they could both relax.“Did you have a horrible pregnancy scare in the past, or something?”
“Or something.”He agreed, voice clipped, and eyes shady.“I’ve never got anyone pregnant.”
Fair enough.But, what else besides pregnancy would scare him off penetration?STDs?Nah, she didn’t think so.“Are you ever planning on telling me?”
He shrugged.“What makes you so certain there’s anything to tell?”
Her guts, that’s what.Alle sucked her tongue, while he concentrated on his beer.
For the moment, she probably needed to drop the subject, but they’d be returning to it.She had every intention of picking away at whatever scab had formed until it became apparent that the wound underneath was all healed up.
“All right, so penetration is completely vetoed as an option.What about you turning me over your lap and dishing out some discipline?”
“Alle.”He turned her name into a hiss as it whistled between his teeth.Blithely, she ignored the warning.Having her name thrown at her in semi-aggressive fashion had never, and would never, thwart her from doing anything.The whole of her childhood had been spent listening to those syllables being delivered in that way.A clap across the arse like those her brothers had endured when they misbehaved, that might have stopped her, but her dad had been way too old-fashioned and gender biased for that sort of discipline.She’d been the proverbial sugar and spice; a doll, there to be indulged.The boys’ transgressions, on the other hand, were thrashed out of them.
She used to cry while it happened, not because they were being given sore arses, often as not for something she’d instigated, but because she was never dealt with in the same way.
Interestingly, they’d all gone AWOL when he’d needed someone on hand to keep an eye on him 24/7 towards the end.Her brothers all hated him.Marshall especially.He’d called him a bitter, twisted, old man.Whereas in her eyes, he’d been a massive chauvinist.
“If you won’t fuck me, will you at least give me that?”
“Alle.”Spook’s blue eyes fastened on her green ones.Then, he shook his head.“I can’t.”
Seriously?That was such utter bollocks.“You’ve done it before.”And it hadn’t taken all that much effort to convince him.“How was it okay then, but not now?”If anything it had been more transgressive the first time.They’d been in a recording studio, working, and she, at least, was being paid hourly for her time.Now, they were ostensibly in a relationship, and on holiday.
Spook stood.The tension in his back and shoulders was clearly visible from his posture.“I don’t think this is the place for this conversation.Save it.”
Bury it, more like.“Then let’s head back to the hotel and talk it through.”Alle stood too.
Spook crossed his arms, which made his biceps more pronounced.The man had really nice arms.“We have tickets for the outdoor theatre, remember?”
Like they mattered.It wasn’t as if they’d cost anything.Also, if he wanted visual drama, she could amply supply him with that.“The performance is in French, and I’ve no clue what the play is even about.”They’d signed up because the view out to sea was supposed to be spectacular.Also, the idea of sitting side by side as the sun set and the heavens twinkled into life above them had seemed romantic.
“If we head back now, you’re not going to get your conversation or a spanking, Alle.I’ll be joining Xane and Ash in getting wankered.”The edge in his voice told her that wasn’t an idle threat.He absolutely meant it.
All right, she knew when to back down.Actually, no she didn’t.This was generally when she kept on pushing to get her way and inevitably got herself into trouble.
“Is that what you want, to go hang with your mates?”Dammit, her nose was tingling, which in turn was making her eyes sting.She blinked away the water building there.
Spook rubbed his hands across his face.“No, it isn’t,” he sighed.“I’m happy here… I was happy here, with you.Alle, I’ve no wish to argue with you.”
“I wasn’t arguing.I was just asking, and you aren’t answering.You have more barricades than the Berlin blockade—” She vaguely remembered learning about that in history classes at school.“And you never explain anything.If everything is ruled out, then at least tell me why.”
He breathed deeply through his nose into his clasped fists.“First, let me ask you something.Why do you want me to?”
“Is this a test?”
“If you like.”
The more nervous he was, the more he expressed himself through his hands.Right now, she was making him extremely antsy.“I don’t know, Spook.I just do.It’s a turn on.Do you analyse the reasons behind your liking particular things?There’s no specific reason.”Besides her missing out on some punishments as a kid.“It just hits certain buttons.The same as it does for you.Why do you so fastidiously avoid everything that gives you pleasure?”
