Page 84 of Refrain
“Actually, I was with them a moment ago.”
The line went so silent, he woke the phone screen again to ascertain that they hadn’t been cut off. Still connected, so that meant his revelation had hit like a juggernaut. Maybe he ought to have broken it more gently. “Alle?” he asked.
He could hear her breathing raggedly.
Her next sentence came out choked.“So you and Xane are a thing now? Fuck!” The strain in her voice betrayed her hurt over his revelation. “Is that why he’s always so damned shirty with me? And why you’re being so cagey about the notion of us? ”
“No.” That wasn’t a lie. His relationship with Xane and his one with Alle were two separate things, and the one had no bearing on the other. “It has nothing to do with us, and Xane and me, we’re the same as we’ve ever been.” Objectively, nothing had actually changed. Not his feelings, which were complicated. Nor Xane’s, to the best of his knowledge, which were also complicated. And he didn’t think anything had altered for Luthor.
A huff of disbelief hit his ears. “Yeah, but with added shagging. Oh, hang on, that’s not actually new.”
She couldn’t quite hold herself in check. She’d never been good at masking or treading lightly. Part of him appreciated that, particularly given that both Xane and Luthor were being so painfully patient and understanding with him.
“Alle, it’s not like that.”
“Isn’t it? What is it then, Spook? Please, do explain it to me.”
He wished she didn’t have to be so hurt by it. It was unnecessary. Love didn’t get stretched thin because you extended it in multiple directions. If anything, he believed the opposite to be true. It grew when you allowed it to find manifold homes. The fact that he’d got off with Xane and Luthor didn’t change anything about his and her relationship.
“Alle, I didn’t tell you in order to upset you. It’s…” He wasn’t sure how to even define things between him and Xane. Stress relief, demon wrangling, pseudo-therapy, escapism… comfort. It was messy, no doubt about it, but strangely uncomplicated for all that. “We’re… I’m still figuring shit out.”
“What the fuck is there to even figure?”
And off came the kid gloves.
“It’s not like the whole world doesn’t know there’s this crazy bond between the two of you. The bit of this that’s tough is… is hearing you say you’re with him right after you’ve told me—. It’s hard enough knowing he’s there with you when I’m not, but then you drop this on top. What the fuck is so damned awesome about him, huh?”
“It’s easy,” he muttered, but he didn’t think she heard him. She was too busy seething and coughing.
“It feels like you’re punishing me. Are you punishing me? I swear to God, I was not involved with any of the crap my brothers pulled. I can’t help that I’m related to them. I can’t help that your psycho ex also had brothers.”
“Stop it!”
“Stop it?
“Really, Alle. Stop it!”
“Shit! I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It’s just after all this time” —his tone must have filtered through the haze— “we’re finally speaking, and I’ve never given up on you. Never. But it feels like you’ve given up on me. You say you don’t blame me, but you obviously do.”
“I don’t.”
“Then why are you fucking him. Why am I friend zoned?”
“That was yo—” She’d been the one that said they should be text buddies again.
“It makes me wonder, was it me or yourself you were lying to when you told me it was irrelevant that he was the last person you shagged before you gave up sex for a decade? Maybe you need to think about how you really feel, Spook.”
He really didn’t.
“Spook, you said you loved me and I believed you. Then you disappeared. You fucking disappeared. For six months I haven’t known if you were alive or dead. And people told me I was crazy to stay loyal to you, but I did… I did.” A sob punctuated her words. “And I know there were reasons for why you left but, I just don’t understand. I don’t understand… Because, if you meant it, then how… could… you. How could you do that?”
Heart thundering in his ears, Spook didn’t cut the call. He took a lesson straight out of Xane’s playbook and tore the battery out of the phone. The bastard thing didn’t come easily. He tore a fingernail down to the quick in the process.
How could he?
He’d never had any choice.
He should have broken it off cleanly, like he’d meant to. Said, Alle, I’m really sorry, but we’re done, and it’s probably best if we don’t see or talk to one another anymore, but he’d been weak – again. He’d let blind hope cloud his judgement. They were never going to be right. How could they be?
