Page 51 of Refrain
“Yet, you’re doing just fine now. You’ve even enough wind in you to lie through your teeth.”
“I’m not fucking lying.” Spook’s brows pinched together in frustration. He scratched his free hand through the forest on his chin. “It’s not happening. I’ll write with you, but that’s as far as it goes. There’s too much risk out there….”
“It’s not risk you’re afraid of, it’s temptation. Christ, you can’t seriously be planning to hibernate forever. Why would you even contemplate that?”
“Do I need to remind you how many staples they put in my scalp?”
You couldn’t see where the scar was due to the hair having grown around it, but it was there beneath Xane’s fingertips when he moved his hands, a smooth band of tissue devoid of hair follicles.
“One fuckwit isn’t enough to give yourself a life sentence.”
“One!” Spook bellowed into his face. “Flynn Hutton was just the latest in a long string of them. Would you like me to give you the full list?”
“You’re not scared of them, Spook. You’re scared of yourself and the fact you have a fucking libido.”
“Seriously?” The grip bunching up the front of Xane’s shirt became more of a threat than a form of security. “You’re going to be this big a dick? I’m fucking traumatised. It’s nothing to do with my lib—”
“The hell it isn’t. The truth is that you’re being a pussy.”
Spook’s mouth dropped open.
Well, they always said the truth hurt. Sometimes you had to be cruel to be kind, and Spook locking himself away for the rest of his life wasn’t something he was going to allow.
Xane went for the kill. “What? The softly, softly approach never gets us fucking anywhere, so let’s stick with the brutal truth, shall we? You’re not a monster, Spook. You’re just a guy with a dick and a libido, who’s fucking ashamed of the fact he likes leaving his handprints on bare flesh and getting his dick wet in interesting ways. You like bruises and dishing out pain, so what! And so what if you have rape fantasies? You’re not the first and you won’t be the last. The sick bit is that you’ve found someone willing to share those fantasies with you and yet you’ve ghosted her for almost six months.”
“You shit. You know why—”
“I know what you’d like me to believe, but it’s not done between you. If it was, you wouldn’t be out here playing at being lost in the wilderness.”
“It is done between us.”
“You know I heard you the other night, right? Giving your dick a stealthy workout while you thought I was asleep.”
The gas ignited in Spook’s pupils. The tendons in his neck jumped, before his fist tightened, reeling Xane in so close that their brows practically collided.
“So what if I was?” he growled between his clenched teeth. “Aren’t you always advocating it?”
“I’ve no issue with you masturbating. It’s good for you. Christ, I’m actually relieved you haven’t managed to fasten the chastity belt back on, given the effort it took to break the original lock. I’m calling you a pussy because you’re not prepared to act on what you want or own your desires, despite the fact you’re obviously mad about the woman. And because you’re being a selfish git. She’s done nothing to deserve the way you’ve treated her. Nothing. And she’s stood by you despite it. In all honesty, I’m not sure you fucking deserve her.”
“Well then, it’s probably for the best that we’re done.”
“Except, you’re not fucking done if you’re still getting off thinking about doing her.”
Spook’s lips peeled back off his teeth. “Xane I… You don’t get it. I can’t…trust.” His voice broke from the stain. “They’ve all… every woman…every one of them. There’s not a single one who’s meant something who hasn’t betrayed me. I can’t do it anymore. I just… I just can’t.”
“That is more honesty than I’ve heard from you in a long while. But Spook, closing yourself off isn’t the answer. Never having another relationship with a woman, or even talking to the one you’re fucking in love with is… it’s just…it’s madness and it’s cruel to you and the woman who loves you.”
“It’s the best of a bad situation.”
Xane clunked his head against the tree trunk behind him. They were treading the same old ground again, never taking a bloody step forward. “Will you just stop it with the ‘I’ve got to be alone’ shit!”
“I didn’t say that. I just said no women.”
Oh God!
“It’s not like I haven’t been with guys before.”
“Not in the same way. Jeezus, Spook! You only do guys when you’re screwed up, and it salves nothing. They’ve only ever been meaningless fucks.”
