Page 54 of Refrain
“Abstinence counsellors,” Luthor suggested.
“Yeah, okay, they might.” Then again, weren’t most of them still proponents of thou shall not fornicate unless it’s to procreate. That didn’t sound nearly so good if it came with a footnote warning of caution: fucking may lead to premature death.
“Dare I ask who started it?”
“Honestly,” Xane huffed, his heart rate beginning to settle into a more even rhythm. “I’m not even sure. Look, how soon can you get here?”
“That depends where here is.” Oh yeah, he hadn’t actually shared that detail. “However, Xane, you know, if you need to go fuck him, then I’m not going to stop you.”
Christ, this man! He didn’t deserve him. He teared up a little, even as his heart swelled with love. “I do know that, and you’re a saint for it. But I need your help, not your permission.” Also, while Luthor might not kill him for shagging Spook, he could think of a couple of other someones who might. One of them being Alle, who he probably owed an apology to already. “Taking things that far might fuck everything up worse than it already is, and it’s pretty darned fucked up.”
“In what way?”
“How are they fucked or how will it make it worse? Luth, I don’t want to be the excuse he uses to keep the notion of having another relationship at bay. He’s still into her. He won’t fucking admit it, but he is. His mind’s a mess of contradictions.”
“You’ve been saying you felt you were making progress.”
He had said that, and it was true to a degree. “Yeah, in some ways, on some issues. It’s just tough, you know.” The adrenaline and endorphin rushes were beginning to wear off leaving him to realise exactly how drained circumstances had left him. They were hiding behind a wall of music, putting everything into the creative process, but the reasons they were stuck kept on buzzing along in the background. “I don’t know if I can do this alone,” he confessed. “He probably needs a professional. I don’t know, maybe even medication.”
“Have you—”
“Broached it? It’s not going to happen. I’m the only one he’s willing to trust.” That was one hell of a weight to carry.
“It’s good that he has that, but building that sort of dependency on one person probably isn’t wise long term.”
That was a good one. “Luth, it already is long term, which is another reason I’m not sure we should go there. Look… is it going to be a problem, you getting away?”
“Nah,” his boyfriend drawled. “Reckon I can swing it. Ash and Ginny will help.”
“So, Alle’s still stalking you?”
“Stalking’s too strong a word. She has too much time on her hands, and she’s desperate to see him.”
“What have you told her?”
“The same thing I’ve told everyone else. You’re with him. He’sokay,and that really is as much as I know, which is basically the truth.”
“I’ve told you slightly more than that.”
“Yeah, but very little that’s repeatable. Mostly you call me to get stuff off your own chest. I’d be a shit boyfriend if I passed that on.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Why, ’cause you confide in me? Don’t be dumb, Xane. That’s literally what partners are supposed to do—support and confide in one another. Now, it sounds like you and Spook need to chat about your boundaries.”
“I’m not sure I dare go near him.”
“You’ve got this. You’re in control. And if it helps, be a good boy and I’ll totally make it worth your while when I arrive. But you have to talk to him, Xane. If for no other reason than from what you’ve told me, he’ll be beating himself up about what a horrid person he is for coming on to you if you don’t.”
Good point.
“And don’t worry about my end. Text me the details, and I’ll be there as soon as possible.”
-22-
Xane
By the time Xane dragged himself back to the bothy, the sky had turned monochrome. Spook was crouched before the fireplace, but he rose immediately, so that they were facing one another across the room. Xane had convinced himself he was in control right up until that moment, but staring across the paltry few feet of carpet currently separating them, he knew that wasn’t true. In a couple of steps, he could make them collide. He grimaced, the movie of it already playing in his head. The pair of them tearing the clothes from one another’s backs, reeling left and right, crashing into furniture and smashing ornaments. They’d awaken from the madness of it eventually, soiled and bruised, two hearts tattered, shredded by demons neither of them could master.
