Page 64 of Refrain
Luthor provided the answer. “We’re all good.” His breath skimmed against Spook’s cheek before he confirmed his promise with a friendly peck on the cheek. “Sweet dreams.”
-25-
Xane
“You’re not following?”
Xane tracked Spook’s retreat into the gloom of the bedroom, then lifted his gaze to meet his lover’s open and trusting face as Luthor slid into the recently vacated armchair.
“You can, if it’s what you want. I won’t ever—”
Xane quietened him with the press of his fingers. “It isn’t. I realise how things might look, but…” He wished there was an easy way to explain, but if the words existed to express the complexity of what he felt for Spook and how tangled his emotions were right now, then he didn’t know them.
“I know, it’s complicated,” Luthor said, echoing a phrase Xane seemed to offer up with frightening regularity. He shook his head, a wan smile playing upon his lips. Whenever Xane tried to explain, all he seemed to accomplish was to tie unnecessary knots in both their hearts. There was both lust and love factored into his feelings for Spook, but it was greater than both of those things. It wasn’t as simple as infatuation, nor as wholesome as pure friendship.
See? He couldn’t even properly explain it to himself.
Luthor took hold of his hands, held them in the comfort of his own while his thumbs rubbed circles on Xane’s knuckles. “Do you think he’s okay?”
“Only if by okay you mean broken as hell. In which case, he’s as right as he’s ever been in all the time you’ve known him, and in all the time I’ve known him too. I want to fix him Luthor, but I can’t. I know that and it hurts to know it. To have to content myself with being his friend and praying that’s enough.” He sighed through his nose, shoulders slumping as he exhaled.
“Do you think anyone can fix him?”
Xane chewed that possibility over. “Honestly. No. Because I think the biggest thing is that he needs to forgive himself, and not for being some sort of sexually depraved monster, which he isn’t, but for getting caught up in a snare that… that Siv specifically built for him. She groomed him, Luthor. I think he hates himself for allowing it to happen, for believing that twisted bitch actually loved him and that he loved her. And for believing he was in control, when he really wasn’t.”
“You know I think that’s the first time you’ve ever said anything so direct about it.”
“The world knows the story now thanks toBang!. Well, half of it.”
“So, you don’t think Alle could help?”
He sighed again. “She probably could, but he won’t let her get close. And his reasons are sound. There’s baggage there now that plays too heavily into the original trauma.”
“You mean her brothers.”
Xane nodded. “Siv’s brothers…” He stopped. Shook his head.
“Raped him,” Luthor said, typically direct.
Xane didn’t confirm or deny it.
“Then, Flynn Hutton beat him to a bloody pulp while that fucking hack, Marshall Hutton twinned up with Ava Leigh to destroy his reputation. You’re right, it is a lot of baggage. On the other hand, maybe it wouldn’t hurt him to have so much dirty, nasty, filthy, glorious sex that he stops being so beholden to his past and finally kills some of the bugbears chewing on his arse. Alle’s certainly up for helping him with that.”
Xane released a huff of awkward laughter. “I fucking wish I could disagree.”
“Do you think what we just did in anyway helped?”
What had they done, besides not chase him away? “I don’t know, Luthor. I really don’t. I think I’ll be content if it means he gets a decent night’s rest out of it. And, I guess it’s progress that he’s prepared to let himself come, rather than denying every fucking sexual urge he has.”
Luthor pulled Xane closer, raising their hands so he could press kisses to Xane’s curled fingers. “What about you? Are you okay?”
“Not sure,” Xane said honestly. “The idea of downing a bottle of vodka right now is certainly appealing, but not happening. You didn’t see the number of whisky bottles I had to throw in the recycling when I arrived.”
“No, but you mentioned it when you called.”
Xane rested his head on Luthor’s knee and accepted the moment of comfort as Luthor stroked his hair. “I might not be averse to taking my mind off things in other ways.”
Luthor’s body vibrated from his amusement. “Ah, there’s the man I know. Why have one orgasm when you can have three? Am I right? That’s a slippery slide, Xane, and you know it. Sex for the right reasons, not the wrong ones, remember.”
