Page 66 of Refrain
“I used to think the same about you and Al—”
“Please,” he pleaded, cutting Xane off. “It doesn’t help to talk about her. It’s an atrocious mess, Xane, and I don’t know… I just don’t know. I’ve said all this to you already, and nothing’s changed. I can’t deal with the notion of a relationship right now. And it wouldn’t be fair on her even assuming she wanted us to be a thing after all this time.”
“She does, and how would it not be fair?”
“I’m pretty sure the trust’s gone for both of us.”
Xane began to draw circles over the back of Spook’s hand. Notably, he didn’t attempt to refute that claim. “She still wants you Spook, and no matter how hard you try to deny it, I think part of you still wants her. Look me in the eyes now and tell me that you don’t miss her.”
He couldn’t. He did miss her. That didn’t change anything.
Xane chuckled. “Appreciate you not lying.”
“I do miss her, okay. There. Happy I’ve said it?”
“It’s not about whether I’m happy or not. It’s about the fact that I happen to think you’re good for each other, and while there are issues,” —pretty damned big issues— “those exist in any relationship.”
“Christ, now I’m getting relationship advice from a sex addict.”
Xane ignored the jibe, which had been uncalled for, and intended to divert him off into defending himself. Perhaps it signified how far he’d come that he didn’t feel he had to justify his relationship or explain himself. Spook couldn’t be sad about that, although it left him feeling the weight of Xane’s hopes for him. The thing was, while the events of the previous night had unlocked something inside him, they weren’t a magical cure all. He wasn’t suddenly ready to pack his bags and return to civilization. His mood might be relatively buoyant at the moment, but that could change at any point. Watching Xane and Luthor fuck hadn’t cured him of anything, it’d just been a bright spark in an otherwise black void.
“Tell me what you miss the most about Alle,” Xane said.
“Why?”
“Because I’m curious, and why not acknowledge it? It might actually help to talk.”
“Yay, therapy,” he drawled, rolling his eyes.
“Spook,” Xane chided.
“Fine, but it’s probably not what you think. Most of all, I miss messaging her every hour of the day and night. I liked that there was always someone there I could bitch about shitty days to and share the good times with, knowing their words would always pick me up, even when they left me feeling prickly or questioning myself. I guess that means I miss the tease of her too. All the untapped potential between us. But I don’t want to act on any of it. Ever. So the whole notion of any sort of contact between us is a non-starter.”
“Don’t you think you should talk to her at least once before you write off your whole relationship?”
“Why? What would be the point? We’re not going to be friends. Alle Hutton isn’t interested in being my friend, Xane. She wants me to torture her with delayed gratification and screw her in interesting ways. If we agreed to be just friends, it’d be a lie. She wants more than that.”
“As do you.”
Xane ruffled his hair, then tucked a strand behind his ear, before tracing the shell of it, and toying with the stud through the lobe.
“Fine. As do I. But I know it’s doomed. And while I don’t think she was involved in what her brothers did—”
“She didn’t know, Spook.”
“—they’re still her family. And I’m still me. And I can’t help doubting. I’m not going to hang out and pretend we can be platonic friends, not when I know she’d be looking for ways to make it more at every opportunity. It’s better we just don’t have anything to do with one another.”
“You mean, better you don’t have the temptation of it waved before you, because you might succumb and then… I don’t know, nuclear war will probably break out.”
“Don’t mock me, Xane.”
“I’m not. I’m trying to help.”
“Then do so by being here, and chill with the advice, because what you’re suggesting is unrealistic. It’s like you deciding you’re not going to shag Dani any more, just share the occasional heart to heart and movie night. You’d agree to it, but how long would it last before one or both of you succumbed, and everyone got hurt as a result?”
Xane frowned so hard it was clear he got it. Spook bit his tongue, wishing he hadn’t mentioned Dani, given that she and he hadn’t exactly parted on friendly terms last time they’d spoken, and he doubted she was happy that her two boyfriends were currently holed up with him in a pokey cottage with only one bed. She’d probably skin him if she learned about last night, or the kiss that had happened the day before.
“Are you missing her?” he asked. He honestly couldn’t recall Xane and Dani having been apart for any significant length of time since they’d become an item. He had to wonder if Xane had deliberately asked her not to tag along with Luthor. How well had that gone down? Was it even now putting stress on Xane’s relationship?
