Page 76 of Refrain
He took a swig to mask his hesitation over answering. “I know yours and Xane’s isn’t.” The proof of that was all too evident from the fact that Luthor was here and willing to communicate with him.
“You’re the catalyst, not the culprit. Things were always going to get bumpy. From the outside, I’m sure it all looked smooth and rock solid, but the thing about polyamory is that it takes trust and work to maintain. More people, more work, more trust, and our baggage doesn’t disappear just because we will it to. I think you know that.”
He definitely did.
“A reckoning was always going to happen. Dani’s been waiting for Xane to run off and leave her since the day she met him. That counter sped up considerably when I turned up. All you did was dial it a fraction higher. Telling her we loved her was never quite enough. Deep down, she never entirely believed it. Same as you don’t believe all the things you should about the band being rock solid in their love for you. Spook, you didn’t create the cracks, they were already there.”
“The net result is still that I split you up.”
Luthor dropped into a squat before him. “No. Dani split us up. If that’s what it is. I kinda hope it’s a temporary measure.”
“I saw how upset she was post-Gothenburg, Luthor.”
“Yeah, well, in her eyes you came from left of field. She had you pigeon-holed in the non-threatening category, which was fucking dumb, and I get to say that because I love her. It’s bloody obvious you’re kinky as hell, and there’s an atomic bond between you and Xane that isn’t going to be severed by anything as conventional as either of you loving someone else. After Gothenburg, and then when you vanished, I think she woke up and realised that. Concluded that she needed to do some really thorough soul-searching to see if that’s something she could live with. It’s a shock to most people to realise you can’t have the whole of somebody’s love.”
“That still sounds very much like it was my fault.”
“You know she’s shit in her past, Spook. I think you know only too well how hard it is to shuck off that sort of baggage. I hate that Dani’s not with us now, but it was inevitable that we’d reach this point. It was the right call for her. We all of us sometimes need to think about what we really want and whether the cost to our hearts and peace of mind are worth it. I hope she’s not gone for good because I love her, and I love Xane, and I miss what we had, but the fact she’s not here is not your fault. Her past is not your fault. Hell, your past isn’t your fault.”
“I could have done things differently.”
“Could you?” Luthor said. “And so what if you could? We can’t change what’s already happened.”
He stewed over that, between swallows and running his thumb around the top of the beer bottle. One of the things he liked about Luthor was that he gave him his space, physically and mentally. Quiet didn’t faze him. Gaps didn’t have to be filled with questions and noise.
“Do you really think she’ll come back?” Spook eventually asked. He hadn’t noticed them slipping into Swedish. “You’re not worried she’ll find someone else? Someone less complicated.”
Luthor had settled on the floor, his back against the base of the kitchen island. His fair hair fell in flyaway sheets across half his face, but he smiled at Spook, eyes twinkling. “I suppose it’s theoretically possible, but realistically, who the fuck walks away from Xane and doesn’t come back for more? Not me. Not you.” His self-depreciating grin stretched. “And not Dani either. She’ll be back. It might take a while, but it’ll happen. The guy’s irresistible.”
“He is that,” Spook agreed, though he thought Luthor was downplaying his own appeal. “Where is she? Do you know?”
“Finishing off her degree. Ginny still speaks to her regularly and keeps us updated. Xane and I agreed we’d keep our distance, and that she’d be the one to contact us when and if she wanted to see us. We talked it over like adults, believe it or not, so we all know where we stand, and no one has any expectations that don’t tally up. We’re not together, so you don’t need to get antsy about the other night.”
His brain hadn’t actually strayed that way yet. No doubt it would’ve done in time. Probably still would.
“It doesn’t bother me that he gets excited by other people, Spook. If anything, it’s almost the opposite. You know the tension between the two of you is palpable. It’s like a physical presence. It’s fucking hot. That something you’re aware of?”
Head bowed, he admitted, “I can feel it.” He clunked his bottle down, having finished it. “Honestly, it’s pretty much the only thing I can feel, except maybe the music. I mostly feel like I’ve been hollowed out.”
“So, you want him?”
He took another visit to the fridge and grabbed them another couple of beers. “It’s… Luthor, it’s not as straightforward as that.”
“Course it isn’t. There’s nothing straight about either of you.” He chuckled at his own joke.
“No, I’m serious. He’s the sexiest bugger I’ve ever met and I’m not going to lie, he pings a whole array of buttons, but…there’s a calm that comes with his presence too. A sense of ease, of recognition. When he’s around, there’s always a ray of light… a point in the dark that never goes out…” He struggled, throat clogging with his welling emotions. He brushed at the tears threatening to fall. “At the minute, I don’t know if I’ll ever get more than a hundred metres from this building without losing my shit. I don’t feel like I can function in the real world, and my head is full of constantly jabbering voices that all want different things, but the one thing they agree on is that I’m a complete piece of shit. Xane has a way of cutting through all that. So, I guess it’s not a surprise that I cleave to him. It’s not really sexual.”
Luthor’s eyebrows lifted.
“And it’s not not-sexual. I’m not saying that. I guess what I mean…” He raised his hands. “I don’t know what I’m trying to say. Except that I don’t want to take him from you. And I don’t think I can function without him.”
“And Allegra?”
That was an even more complicated question. One he answered with a shrug, before pinging off the bottle top and gulping down a few hefty swallows. On the one hand, he knew what turned him on, and Alle was it, and on the other, that made him want to run far and fast.
Well, he had run far and fast.
Unconsciously, he scratched at the scar on his scalp. The hair around it had grown back, although it was still a good couple of feet shorter than the rest of his hair. “I don’t understand why you’re even here and listening to me.”
