Page 68 of Ember Meadow
I always thought he had fire in his eyes. But now, I can see it was just pain. No wonder he was mad at me, I left him after one night when he had just been left by his wife. That was probably just about a year after she left, if he was twenty-seven when we met. Right when his divorce was final. My stomach bottoms out at the thought.
“I may not know exactly what you’ve been through, but I know being left sucks. I’m sorry you never had an explanation,” I offer.
“I didn’t. Until last week.”
Chapter 26
Say Something
He looks up atme, and there’s something different in his eyes now, the pain burned away in the fireplace.
Before I can ask, he continues, “That’s why I was gone. I went to find her. I had a pretty good idea from the address on the papers, but I wasn’t sure she’d still be there. She was.”
I suck in a breath, holding it in my lungs. He went to see his ex-wife, who he’s probably still in love with. Great. They’ve gotten back together. He isn’t sharing this with me because he wants me to know him, he just wants to let me down easy.
Oh my god, was it because I kissed him? He probably thought it was terrible. Or he missed her so much he couldn’t stand to be around me. I’m the reason he went to find her–
“I don’t know why I went, now that I look back,” Miles’s gravelly voice interrupts my thoughts. “After we kissed, I just knew that I needed to close that chapter. I wasn’t ready the last time we met, but I want to be ready now. I don’t think I can take you leaving again.
“So, I went to see Alex. She lives in southern Colorado now. A man answered her door. Her new husband. I almost lost it, Katie. Seeing her happy was a knife to the gut. Not because I want her back or anything, but because she’s happier now than she ever was with me. I couldn’t make her smile most days, much less so content that even when her ex-husband shows up at her door out of the blue, she still looks peaceful.
“We talked for a bit and she apologized. There were some things I needed to apologize for too. I think she knows what she did was shitty, but she couldn’t figure out how to seek me out and say she was sorry without reopening the wound. Apparently, she met the new husband while we were together. Nothing happened physically, but she liked him enough to wonder if we were really happy. Anyway, I’m not on speaking terms with her or anything, but it was nice to have closure after all these years. I came back with this whole plan of how I was going to come back and take you somewhere special and tell you everything.
“But on my way home, I panicked. If I couldn’t make her happy, if she couldn’t even try to stay married to me, how can I make anyone happy? Then, I remembered everything you said about how you don’t do long-term relationships on that night we met, and how you’re just so… free. You’re this shining light, flitting from place to place, brightening up the world. And you’ve been through so much already. I just couldn’t add to that. I took way too long getting back to the ranch because I was scared.” He runs a hand through his hair, sitting up straight. The fire still flickering to his left.
“Then I got to the ranch house and it was completely silent. And I realized that the only person I wanted to talk to about it was you. But I couldn’t, because I didn’t let you in enough to know about my failed marriage. So I came out here to find you. I know you’re planning on leaving at the end of the summer. I know I messed up. But, Katie, I don’t know how I’m supposed to just carry on with my life once you go and pretend like I’m okay.”
I can almost hear the sound of my heart cracking.
He’s looking at me like his entire life lies in my hands. I suck in a breath of air, trying to ignore the pounding in my chest. I know I’m supposed to be happy about this, but after this terrible week, I can’t be.
“Please just say something,” he whispers.
“I don’t know what to say, Miles. I wish you would have told me all of this a week ago. Or, ideally, before that. I don’t know what to do with this now. It’s just too little too late.” I sigh into my hands, running them across my cheeks and into my hair. “I’m sorry, I’m just feeling a little overwhelmed right now. All week I was convinced you would call me or show up at any time, but you never did. Then I find out you were hiding this huge part of yourself. And now you’re asking me to stay.”
He doesn’t respond, frozen in place like a statue. I look into the fire, trying to find the words to describe the huge black hole that has opened up in my chest.
“I just don’t know if I can trust you with my heart, Miles,” I whisper.
“You can,” he says, voice cracking a bit. I concentrate on the orange glow of the flames.
“I can’t go days without hearing from you. That kiss might have been a realization for you, but it was big for me too. I don’t do feelings. I don’t ‘like’ guys. I can’t remember the last time I’ve actually wanted to see someone again as much as I wanted to see you. You broke my heart, Miles.” A hot tear runs down my cheek. It hits the brick mantle with a small splash, and as if it was a bucket of water, the fire dies on a puff of smoke. I run a hand along his forearm, over his playing card tattoo. The warmth from his arms seeps into my fingertips, urging me to curl up into him as if he were a warm blanket on a rainy day.
“One of my biggest fears is becoming emotionally attached to a guy who’s going to realize one day that I’m too much and break my heart. That’s why I don’t do relationships. It’s happened before, and I just… I can’t do that with you. I’m already a lot more attached than I should be. It’s just not like me, and I can’t get hurt by you again.”
Miles reaches out, catching a tear rolling down my cheek with his thumb. “Too much? Katie, I can’t getenoughof you. It killed me being away from you this week.”
“Yeah, but you did it though. You left, and I was alone. Again.”
“Please don’t do this, Katie.”
It takes all I have to stay where I am even though my heart wants to crash into him and forget all of this ever happened. I wish I could go back to the night we met and live there forever.
Part of me wonders what would have happened if he hadn’t left. If he’d come back that night and kissed me again. Would we be in the same place we are right now? Would I even be able to give him the parts of me I’ve kept closed off for so long?
But he did leave. And he could do it again.
“I think we should just be friends.” His chest deflates as soon as the words leave my mouth. “I’m not ready for this. I thought maybe I could be, but it’s clear that I’m just not ready for a relationship right now. And maybe you aren’t ready either. I’m so glad you finally got closure, but maybe you should just digest it all for a little while. It might not seem like it, but I am so far out of my comfort zone with all of this. Even just talking about it right now is a new thing for me. Whether you meant to or not, you really hurt me. And I’m not ready for that kind of pain.”
