Page 121 of The Broken Heart Playlist
He scrubs a hand over his face. For a second, I think he might not push the matter, he might spare us both. But his jaw sets andhis eyes are resolute as they meet mine. My throat stings at his expression. I know what’s coming.
“I love you,” he says, his voice rough with emotion. “I love you so much it hurts. I want us to be a family. You, Lisset, and me.”
His declaration causes a hitch in my breath. For a single, sublime moment, I allow his words to enfold me in their warmth and light. But reality rears its ugly, intrusive head between us. “I thought Oliver would love me forever. That’s what he swore in his marriage vows. To love me until death do us part.”
Hurt and a hint of resentment flash across his face. “How many times do I have to tell you I’m not your ex-husband?”
I take both of his hands in mine. “I know that. At least my head knows that. But my heart...” I bite my lip hard enough to hurt. “I’m scared, Gideon,” I whisper. “I loved Oliver and that gave him power to almost destroy me. I don’t know if I can give that much power to a man again.”
His gaze is level. “Don’t you realize you also hold power in this relationship? You are so afraid of being hurt, but you have no idea of the power you hold over me.” Vulnerability bleeds from his voice. “I’m scared too.”
Surprise steals through me. “What are you scared of?”
He goes silent for a few seconds. “I’m scared you won’t take a chance on us. I’m scared you’ll break my heart. And I’m terrified you won’t forgive me when I mess up. But my fear is not going to prevent me from loving you.”
He loves me.
I let go of him to press a hand to my throat. I desperately want to say those words back to him, to tell him how I feel, but the words are all locked up in my throat and I can’t find the key to let them out.
“I don’t want to lose you,” are the words that finally spill out of me. They feel lacking and inadequate, and I’m a little ashamed of them, but they’re all I feel capable of giving him at present.
Gideon’s shoulders deflate, but he makes an effort to smile at me. I instantly wish he didn’t. It’s somehow worse to observe a smile that in no way touches his eyes.
“I’d fight the world for you, Kate,” he says, his voice quiet. “I’d fight every single person, but there’s one person I can’t fight, one person who’d defeat me every time. That person is you. The part of you too scared to fall in love with me.”
FALL
Playlist
“I Miss You, I’m Sorry” — Gracie Abrams
“Fade into You” — Mazzy Star
“The Gold” — Manchester Orchestra & Phoebe Bridgers
“Chamber of Reflection” — Mac DeMarco
“Fall into Me” — Forest Blakk
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
On the last weekend of summer, my family heads to the lake for the day. We drive there in two cars. My parents travel with Aaron and Tess, while Grandma comes in our car, on the condition that Google remains behind.
At the lake, Grandma settles into her deluxe camping chair with a flask of iced tea and a racy romance book that has her giggling and fanning herself. My mom keeps eyeing her suspiciously and I’m starting to wonder if my grandmother slipped a little something stronger into her flask.
Gideon, Aaron, and my dad immediately set about teaching Lisset to fish. It doesn’t take her long to catch one. She insists on releasing it, but she’s so freaked out by the fish’s eyes staring at her while my dad tries to pull the hook out of its mouth, that she declares she’ll never ever fish again.
Watching Gideon help my mom stack the enormous amount of food onto the picnic tables, I feel a wave of warmth seeing how well he fits in with my family. Much to Aaron’s relief, Gideon helps Grandma with all Google-related problems and joins my dad in the TV room whenever he’s watching his World War Two documentaries, much to my mom’s relief. I’ve also invited him to every Sunday lunch with my family since I excluded him that one time earlier this summer. I still feel a spike of shame every time I remember how hurt he had been.
We haven’t had a game night yet. Aaron insists that will be the true test of Gideon’s staying power. I’m not worried. Gideon seems determined to stick around.
Lisset dips her feet into the lake and shrieks when she realizes how cold the water is. Gideon jumps at her shriek, alert for any sign of danger. I laugh and Tess tries to explain to him that kids shriek all the time and he simply has to get used to it, but Gideon can’t seem to help himself. His poor heart. He’ll need to be carried out on a stretcher by the end of today.
Lisset has happily accepted Gideon into our lives with no questions or resentment. She knows Gideon as Mommy’s Special Friend who comes around often. And who sometimes makes Mommy’s face red.
After lunch, Gideon and I sit on the dock wrapped in a comfortable silence with my head resting on his shoulder. My skin is sticky with sunscreen, my hair curls around my face, and my olive skin is brown from the summer. I can’t remember when last I was this content. The world beyond this day seems muted and dim. I wish we could stay in this pocket of time forever. The sky a bright, hopeful blue above us. The lake water sparkling in the sun. Laughter echoing in the warm air. Easy conversations meandering unhurriedly down their own paths. My mom and dad playing cards on a rickety camping table and smiling softly at one another.
All this love surrounding me.
