Page 110 of The Weight Of Falling
A piece of me still wants to believe a father couldn’t do this to his own son.
“It was him,” Joel says quietly. “He left his calling card—a chess piece.”
Fury floods me. It shocks me, this level of anger at a man I’ve never met who ruined the life of the man I love.
“What about your foster parents?” I ask. “If he’s like this, wouldn’t he go after them?”
He gives a single, bitter laugh. “He doesn’t bother. He knows keeping them alive is punishment enough for me. They’ll always be afraid of me, whether I’m thirteen or thirty. Every time they look at me, they see him.”
Fresh tears prick my eyes as sorrow clogs my throat.
“You know what I think about sometimes?” Joel asks, softer now. “I think about my life without him in it. Living without fear. Picking a dog without wondering if it’ll die because it’s mine. Having friends without worrying they’ll be targeted. Falling in love without dreading she’ll be made to suffer for knowing me.”
There’s so much desolation in his eyes I want to weep. “What are we going to do?” I ask at last, my heart pounding.
Joel is quiet for a long time before he says, “There is nowe. If Roy Bellings ever realizes how much you mean to me, he’ll come for you. He’ll do it because he knows it would break me.”
46
I can’t seem to breathe around the knot in my throat. “What do you mean,there is no we?” I ask.
In the stillness, his voice comes low and rough, like it costs him something to say the words. “I’d sooner die than let him hurt you. The irony is, he doesn’t want me dead, because then he can’t make me suffer. If we’re together, there’s a real chance you’ll be hurt. And I can’t...” He swallows hard. “I can’t bear for that to happen.”
“Does he hurt everyone who’s close to you?” I ask carefully.
Joel shakes his head. “No. That’s the game. I never know who he’ll choose. And that’s what he enjoys.”
It’s hard to fathom a person can be that evil. “When was the last incident?”
“I haven’t had any since I moved to Brown Oaks.”
Hope lights up inside me. “Maybe he’s finally decided to leave you in peace.”
His lips twist. “That would give him a conscience he doesn’t have.”
“Maybe he can’t find you.”
“He always finds me,” Joel says bitterly.
“Okay,” I say slowly. “Then what’s the plan?”
“I’m leaving Brown Oaks.”
It feel like my heart shatters into a thousand pieces. “What about us?”
He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t have to. His expression says it all.He’s leaving me too.
I breathe in through my nose, out through my mouth, trying to stay calm. I have to ask. “Is leaving what you want?”
“Of course not,” he replies, his voice raw with emotion. “Brown Oaks feels more like home than anywhere I’ve lived. And I’m tired of running. Tired of trying to stay one step ahead.”
I know I have to tread carefully. Joel is mired in logic shaped by his father, and I have to break through that and reach him. “You know, your father may be the one behind bars, but you’ve created a prison for yourself.”
“I’m leaving to protect the people around me,” he answers evenly. “To protectyou.”
“But that means he still wins. He’s still controlling your life if you close yourself off and shut everyone out.” I keep my tone gentle. “Don’t let him win. Instead of just surviving, what if you tried living?”
He goes quiet. And then he says, “I almost believe you.”
