Page 94 of Bewitched By the Sea Monster
“I’m alone. You’re safe, Pippi, in these waters with me. Always.”
And I felt that safety in the very core of my being.
For the first time in my life, I stared down at the ocean without getting sticky with fear and dread.
“You’re safe,” Alistair reminded me as he lowered his head, shortening the drop.
“I know.” I pinched my nose shut between my forefinger and thumb and plunged into the sea.
Trust is beautiful.And cruel.
To have Pippi stare at me with trust when near the waters.
She fears the waters. And I hatethe way fear looks. The way it darkens her gaze and swallows the green in her eyes.
The green that ismorethan green, because it has other colors in it. But I don’t know the words for them. I’m lucky I remember green.
I don’t understand why some…complex words come back, or stay, when easy ones slip.
The wordjuxtapositioncomes back to me. I’m dozing, and my mind is calm, and the word is there, as though it had never slipped. But I still don’t know the words for all the colors. Or the colorful things that grow in the ground. Or the words to tell Pippi what she is.
But I knowjuxtaposition. A word I don’tneed.
It’s maddening.
I’ve gotten…d-distracted.
Again.
Which is maybe a sign I’m becoming more likeme.
“Alistair, your brain is like a six-lane road with no traffic control. Pure. Chaos.”
Indigo’s voice. Laughing. And scolding, because something had slipped from me, although I don’t remember what.
“I couldn’t be inside your head, love. I’d get dizzy.”
“That’s why I have you. To keep me grounded.”My old voice. Speaking with warmth.Love.
It makes my chest hurt. The remembering.
But looking at Pippi makes my chest hurt too.
Because she is asking to join me in the water. And she is not…unafraid. She’s unafraid.
Because shetrustsme.
And her trust brings me joy, even as it causes hurt.
Because there is love there too.
Fallingin love.
How…a-a-accurate.
It does feel that way: like falling. The same feeling I get when I dive deep in the waters. Usually when I am fed by the one—a human male, who finds amusement in watching me huntfor my food. He sends it to the bottom of the waters. And tells me he will take it away if I don’t find it in time. So I dive. I don’t want the food, but I hurt without it.
As I dive, my stomach feels strange, as though it doesn’t move with my body.
