Page 106 of Control Freak
“No,” he said again, eyes filling with tears. “I won’t hurt you like that. Don’t make me, Holden. Please don’t.”
I jerked away, suddenly appalled at what I’d done, and overbalanced. I fell back, the ceiling swinging into view as I hit the floor. My body throbbed, overstimulated, and my heart ached.
Why did I have to be so broken?
Shiloh knelt beside me, careful to keep his distance. “Are you okay? Should I get your brothers? I don’t know what to do!”
I wasn’t in a full-blown panic attack, but I knew I couldn’t look good. My chest was rising and falling too fast. I closed my eyes and concentrated on the feel of the carpet beneath me, of the smell of Shiloh’s citrusy shampoo. The sound of my wheezing breaths.
I found five things to anchor me to the here and now and managed to croak out, “Banshee.”
Shiloh got to his feet and ran from the room. A minute later, Banshee’s doggy breath washed over me. She licked my chin, nuzzled in against me, and rested her muzzle on my shoulder, whining softly.
“I’m okay,” I said.
For her benefit. For Shiloh’s.
But it was a lie, wasn’t it? I’d never be okay. No matter how hard I tried, I’d never beoverthis. I could hold Shiloh’s hand. I could kiss him.
But there would always be thisthingbetween us. Always some barrier I couldn’t cross. Some damage that other men wouldn’t have.
Hell, maybe I should just let him go. Maybe he’d be better off. I could go back to being alone. I knew how to do that.
Anything was better than seeing tears in Shiloh’s eyes and knowing I put them there.
CHAPTER 26
Shiloh
Holden lookedlike death warmed over. He kept insisting he was fine, but there was a hollow quality to his voice that scared the shit out of me.
“Are you sure I shouldn’t get Gray?” I asked as he slowly sat up and leaned against the wall with Banshee cuddled up in his lap.
He shook his head, eyes closed. “This isn’t a full-blown panic attack or anything. I just need a minute.”
I’d hate to see an actual panic attack, then. Holden was pale and clammy. He looked as if he might throw up any second.
“What helps? Crackers?”
He gave a sudden, hoarse laugh. “Crackers?”
“Well, I don’t know! You look queasy!”
He chuckled, eyes finally opening to meet mine. “Crackers. I love it. I love you.”
My breath caught. “What? You’re going to say thatnow?”
“I love you, and you deserve better,” he said, voice thick. “If you want to leave?—”
“Don’t be stupid! Of course I don’t want toleave.I love you too. But right now, I’m so mad, I seriously want to—” I stopped short and shook my head.
“It’s okay. I’m an abuse survivor, but you can still threaten to strangle me or kick my ass. Don’t hold back.”
I let out a sad laugh. “Please, no dark humor right now. You really scared me.”
“I’m sorry. I thought if I could just push past it…”
I sat cross-legged in front of him. Holden was getting his color back, and his trembling had ceased as he stroked Banshee’s ears. He looked drained, but okay.
