Page 86 of Control Freak
I sank my hands into her ruff, feeling the calm waves wash through me. “Yeah, she’s my security blanket. Very comfy and—” I laughed and turned my face as she licked my cheek. “—affectionate.”
“I see that,” Dr. Levy said with a chuckle.
“How is the conference going?” I asked. “You’re in Hawaii, right?”
“Yes.” Dr. Levy chuckled. “I can’t complain about the location. It’s beautiful. The lectures have been very informative, but the ocean might be the most inspirational part of this trip. I’m going to recommend all my clients go listen to the sea when they’re filled with turmoil.”
“That’ll be very helpful in Nebraska,” I said dryly.
She laughed. “Recordings of ocean waves, then.” She gave a happy sigh. Vacation suited her, even a work vacation. “But enough about me. Let’s talk about you, Holden. How are things going?”
She didn’t ask specifically about Shiloh. She’d already gotten a couple of updates over the past weeks, so she knew where we stood.
Instead, we chatted about my relationships with my brothers, how managing the business impacted our dynamics, and my stress about setting Bailey up for the success we never had.
“Have you considered that you may be projecting your desires for a different life onto Bailey?” she asked. “That maybe everything you want for him is actually what you want for you?”
I took a minute to consider that. “I did pursue college, though, and it didn’t work out.”
“Because your family needed you,” she filled in. “We’ve talked about that.”
I nodded. “But I was also struggling with the touch aversion. Living in the dorm, bumping into people on campus, it was becoming unbearable.”
“Do you regret having to give it up?”
“Well, of course, but also…no. I love that my family is together again. We’ve got a thriving business. There are tough days, expenses keep rising, and we’ve got to get Bailey’s replacement fully trained, but it’s going as well as it can be.”
“I’m happy to hear that, Holden. You’ve worked hard to rebuild your family.”
“I don’t think I’m projecting what I want for me onto Bailey. Maybe what I wanted at his age? I don’t know. I think I just want him to have everything we couldn’t have. Is that bad?”
“No, not at all. Every parent experiences this.”
I rolled my eyes. “I’m not his parent.”
“But you’re the closest thing he has.”
Once we’d hashed out my feelings about work and family—not to mention the baggage of realizing that, jokes aside, I really kind ofwasBailey’s dad now—the conversation inevitably turned to touch aversion.
“You told me in our last session that you’d held Shiloh’s hand and that it was getting easier each time you did it. Still true?”
“Yeah. I have to think about it, sort of mentally make the decision that this touch is good, but it’s more comfortable now. We even, uh, touched while…”
I trailed off, but she got the picture.
“That’s fantastic, Holden!”
She beamed at me like a proud mama, albeit a mama who I was sharing my personal sex life with.
“But I’m not sure how to move forward from here,” I admitted. “When I think about what to do next, it becomesoverwhelming. It’s taken so long to get here. I don’t want to spend weeks trying to squeeze his shoulder or give him a hug. Isn’t there a way to speed this up? I trust him enough to hold his hand, so why not everything else?”
“It’s a process, Holden. You can’t force your nervous system to rewire itself overnight, but this is great progress.”
“It’s not very romantic,” I grumbled. “I can’t even figure out what we are together because we ‘practice’ touch like it’s a homework project to be graded.”
She nodded, forehead creased. “Do you feel you lack intimacy with him?”
The fiery hot sex we’d had while I’d guided his hand to touch himself in all sorts of dirty ways came to mind. A physical connection with Shiloh had intensified everything. My pulse still spiked every time the memories surfaced.
