Page 74 of Fresh Tracks
I drop my jacket on the counter and walk to the dining area, looking out over the city through the windows.
“I don’t get it. What was that?”
I look over my shoulder to find Grace leaning against the window behind me, watching me. The look in her eyes is the second gut punch I’ve taken in the last half hour.
“I told you. Can we please not talk about that? I never want to talk about them again.”
She takes a step closer to me, her face still hardened. “I know you have a complicated past with them, but why did you rush me out of there like that? Why won’t you talk to me?” She swallows and I see the worry in her eyes. “Are you embarrassed by me?”
Make that the third gut punch.
I turn to face her, my pulse quickening. “I could never be embarrassed by you. Not in a thousand years. That’s not it.”
She runs the backs of her fingers over my stubbled cheek. “Then please, talk to me.”
“You’re just different, Grace. You’re special. I don’t want people like them getting to dampen your light.” I drop my head again, running my hand over my face. “God, I sound like an idiot.”
She rubs the back of my neck.
“Dampen my light?” she asks, her voice laced with amusement. “I’m not some shiny beacon on a pedestal that needs to be protected and preserved. None of us are perfect. We all have flaws. Some just compliment the person we’re with better than others.”
My eyes lift and meet hers. I see the compassion in them while they study me. No one ever looks at me the way she does, like an actual person, not some commodity.
I breathe deep and steady myself. “I’m sorry. You’re right. I just don’t want that part of my life to drag you down. I don’t?—”
She squeezes my shoulder and her eyes widen. “You don’t need to apologize. But you need to start trusting me when I say I can take care of myself. I’ve spent my entire adult life having people try to watch out for me. I don’t need that. I just need you, Tommy. So please be open with me. What was that about tonight?”
I close my eyes again, pressing my forehead against the window, grounding myself with the cold glass on my heated skin. I’ve spent years trying to erase this story from my mind, but it still finds a way to haunt me at the worst times. For her though, I’ll do it, even if it means ripping open the stitches holding my heart together and reliving all of my worst fears.
“Candace,” I start and her name feels like acid on my tongue, “she was my first and really only girlfriend. We met right at the end of high school. We dated for a long time. She traveled with me and the band a lot in the early years.”
I open my eyes and see Grace watching me intently. I take another long breath and continue.
“When I told you music was my only love at the bar, I meant it. Early on, I thought I loved her and I thought she loved me. Outside of my last foster family and Jake, she was the first person I ever thought I had a connection with. Love — being wanted — it was so foreign to me and I craved it, trying to fill a void in my life that was there for so many years.”
My heart races knowing the worst of the story. She must see the concern in my eyes because she inches closer to me and her warmth dulls some of the ache. “You don’t have to keep going if you’re not ready.”
I shake my head. “It’s fine. Better to just rip the bandaid off.”
Her lips pull into a halfhearted smile and she nods. “We were practically attached at the hip all the time. When we were finally starting to get going with the band a bit, I thought she was the one for me. So I did what every young, lovestruck dumb musician does and asked her to marry me. She said no. I was heartbroken.” Grace starts to talk, but I continue. “That’s not why I got upset tonight. It’s what happened next. A week later is when we signed our first deal and booked our first big tour. That night, that same fucking night, she shows up on my doorstep saying she thought about it. She said that she was wrong and we should get married. I was this close to believing her until I asked what changed. Vince didn’t know that she had told me no and he let the news of the deal slip to his girlfriend and she told Candace.”
I feel my fist clench and my molars grind, popping my ear. “She came back for one reason, because she knew we finally had money. I thought she might have actually liked me for me, but it was just the idea of me that she liked. That’s why I’m paranoidabout my finances. That’s why I do all the charity stuff and so many of my businesses under the names of holding companies. It was hard enough for me to trust people after how I grew up. Throw on Candace and dealing with fame so early on, I never trusted anyone. I don’t want people knowing that —”
“That you’re a billionaire?” My eyes fly to hers and she raises her brows, giving me an amused smirk. “Yeah, I figured that out. You’re not as good at hiding that as you think.”
My heart sinks until she grabs my wrist and rubs the back of my hand with her thumb.
“You know I couldn’t care less about that, right, Tommy? You know me. I’m literally happy to live in my van and take showers at the gym in town. I’d live in a van down by the river with you if it meant I get you. So if you want to give this a real shot to be what it could be, that’s what I need: all of you.”
“You already have it.”
She smiles but shakes her head. “No, I want the good and the bad. I need you to share like this. It doesn’t matter to me that you loved or thought you loved and then lost. Are you going to let them win and own the last track of your life?”
I stare at her and reach out, cupping the nape of her neck. “No, not for a second. That doesn’t mean I’m not scared though.”
She snorts a laugh. “You’re scared?”
I nod, immediately loving the feeling of her neck and warm skin under my fingers. “Yeah, I’m fucking terrified. The only thing that's ever felt as right as being around you was music. I’m terrified that I’m fucking this up because I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m terrified that I’m going to let you down.”
