Page 68 of Cheap Shot
My eyes drift shut as I wait for the calming effects of the pill to take over, washing away these feelings of anger and guilt. I should’ve kept my cool with Momma. She was only trying to help, but every timehe’smentioned, the rage ramps up exponentially. Everyone knows this. It’s why they tread lightly when mentioning his name around me, but I need to keep my shit together. That’s why I have the pills, why I need them. To keep the rage below the surface and manageable. Without them, who knows how many more outbursts I’d have off the ice.
The shrill ring of my cell phone fills the vehicle, but I ignore it. I can’t answer. Not yet, not until the rage is under control and the numbness returns. But it doesn’t stop. Whoever it is must have hung up and called again, but I still don’t answer. I can’t. The rage is threatening to bubble over again, but I need to answer the phone and get moving. I pop another red pill, the most I’ve ever taken, but the soothing wave of calm soon follows. Allowing me to breathe fully for the first time since my outburst in the kitchen.
This time, when the phone rings, I answer, already knowing who’s calling. “What do you want, Beau?”
“Can’t I just give my little brother a call to chat?”
“No,” I deadpan, throwing the car in reverse and pulling out of the driveway.
It’s going to take me a little more than an hour to get to the city, one downfall of living in my childhood bedroom, but what other choice do I have? I could stay with Beau, which is definitely out of the question, or buy a place of my own. I have the money, but I’d like to know if I'm going to be here for the long haul before dropping a pretty penny on a condo in the city.
“Whatever. I seriously just called to see how you were doing and find out how practice and training have been.”
Did Momma call him and tell him what happened?It couldn’t have been more than about twenty minutes since I walked out of the house after… what happened. I doubt Momma immediately called Beau and gave him a play-by-play, but it's possible.
“It’s fine. Nothing out of the ordinary,” I respond, choosing my words carefully.
“Is Coach giving you a hard time?”
My hands tighten on the steering wheel, the rage bubbling below the surface, but it remains locked away and under control. “You’re the second person to ask me that today.”
“We are all worried about you.”
I’m so sick and tired of all the fake concern from everyone around me. The only person who may give a shit about me is Momma, but even that is debatable. She probably only cares to the point of when my bullshit might affect my brothers, and then all bets are off. The one and only person to worry about me with no strings attached is gone. It’s been me against the world for so long, I know not to expect anything else.
“Momma is worried about me to a point. I don’t know what you are, and Cooper just wants to protect his investment,” I growl, easing my way onto the highway and slamming the gas pedal down to the floor.
“You’re wrong, Cole. We all care about you. We always have.”
This is news to me. No one cares. They never have. The only thing any of them care about is how Cooper feels. Each one of them is always bending to his will, giving him whatever he wants or thinks he needs. The moment I wanted to take something for myself, I was the one in the wrong. I was the one tearing the family apart. I was the one who ruined everything by making decisions based on what was best for me and no one else. From where I sit, the only person in this entire universe that gives a shit about me is me.
“Prove it.”
I weave in and out of traffic, needing to outrun the pain and anger begging to be released from where it’s been locked deep inside me. I can feel the calming effects of the pills leaching from my system for the second time today. I want it back. I want to be numb again, to be able to focus on anything but the rage. The door of the cage I locked it in is rattling inside me as it pushes and bangs against the door. I need something to replace the calm, to help it all become bearable once again.
“Let us. You’ve been pushing us away since…” His voice trails off as if he’s searching for the right words, but we both know thewhenhe is talking about. “We were kids. When are you going to let us be a family again?”
Why do our conversations all come back to this? I wasn’t the one who ruined our family. I wasn’t the one who demanded everyone bend to my will. It was Cooper. But I’ve spent years being blamed for it, and I’m done.
“I’m so sick and tired of this bullshit. I’m not the one who tore this family apart. I’m not the one who broke us, and I refuse to be the one blamed for it.” I push my hand down hard on the horn as I swear at the person who pulls in front of me, barely missing clipping their bumper as I weave around them.
“What’s going on? Where the fuck are you?” Beau shouts into the phone, but I scoff at his concern.
“I’m on my way to the arena. I have strength training and a fucking assessment with Parker, the god damn overbearing head of athletic training, before the session today. Hopefully, he agrees with Michele and lets me back on the ice.”
“They just want what is best for you. We all do.”
“Again, with thiswebullshit.” I laugh darkly as I lean to the side, reaching blindly for the bottle of pills I threw into the passenger seat. “I’m the only one who has accepted the truth about our big brother.”
I pop the cap off the bottle, my eyes flicking between the contents inside and the road. Attempting not to kill myself or anyone else on the road, I shake it and wait for the tablets to hit my tongue, swallowing them down dry. The bitter taste hits my taste buds as I swallow, grimacing slightly at the taste.
“And what is that?”
I can tell by his tone that Beau is getting defensive. He’s never tolerated talking badly about his hero. Not even me. He’s the perfect lap dog for Cooper and will attack anyone who has anything bad to say about him. I’ve skirted around the subject every time we talked before now, but I’m tired of having this fight with him. I can’t be the only one who can see our big brother for exactly who he is: an egotistical user.
“That Cooper isn’t the perfect golden boy everyone makes him out to be. He isn’t selfless or caring. All of that shit is an act to manipulate you into doing whatever he wants. And the minute you make a decision of your own, he throws you away like a piece of trash. Just like he did to me.”
That’s the cusp of all of this. The feeling of abandonment, of feeling like I no longer mattered because I wasn’t following the path that he wanted. That he planned out for my entire life without my permission. My choice of a different path was for me. It was my chance to break the mold and become someone other than Cooper and Beau Hendrix’s little brother. After that day, I felt like people saw me as a person, not just a means to an end. That’s why it was such a shock to my system when I was told it wasn’t true.
