Page 19 of Cheap Shot
The bed beside me sinks from his weight, not close enough for him to touch me, but close enough for me to feel his quiet presence. The solid, steady calm my older brother always carries like armor around him. Beau has always been a calming presence for me, the original balm to keep my rage under control. I thought I didn’t need him, that I could handle it all on my own, but that was a lie. I just had to find different coping mechanisms to deal with it.
“This hasn’t happened before,” I mumble, wincing at how pathetic I sound. “You know I have anger issues, but that uncontrollable rage. I’ve never?—”
“I know,” Beau responds without hesitating. No disbelief. Just the truth. “But it scared the shit out of you, didn’t it?”
His words hit the mark, hitting me hard in the chest as if he punched me himself. I open my mouth to respond, but slam it shut quickly because I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to explain what happened any more than he did, but I do have an idea. Either way, it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is making sure it doesn’t happen again.
Neither one of us says a word, a comfortable silence settling between us. Beau gives me space to think. He doesn’t pick at me, needing to know exactly what is wrong so he can control it. Fix it. And then make it go away like Cooper. He’s just there, waiting for me to tell him what I need.
Beau leans forward, his arms resting on his knees as he turns toward me. I don’t move a muscle, continuing to stare at my feet. We’ve played this game before, and it’s one I’ve never lost. I’m not someone who likes to talk about what I’m feeling. I wasn’t when we were younger, either. Beau will either lose patience and leave or break the silence.
He goes with the latter. “You don’t have to fight your demons alone, you know. Not the anger. Not whatever else is going on, either.”
My throat tightens, an aching knot forming in my throat that refuses to loosen. I try to swallow it down, but it only makes it worse.
“We are your family, whether you like it or not, Cole,” Beau adds quietly, throwing his arm over my shoulder and pulling me toward him. “We all want what is best for you.”
“You mean you want to control me,” I huff, trying to remove his arm from around my shoulder, but he tightens his grip, holding me in place.
Why does this feel like old times? Like we are still thick as thieves, conspiring with the best way to get under Cooper’s skin without getting into trouble with Momma. We used to sit in one of our rooms, on our beds, for hours. Him next to me, waiting for me to spill all my problems. Maybe he’s hoping for a new outcome today than the last.
He tried to talk me out of taking off to join the Wolverines. He came home from college that weekend for a surprise visit, but I knew what had really happened. Cooper had called. Things didn’t end the way either of them had expected that night. Instead of singing campfire songs around the makeshift fire pit we’d built, Cooper and I got into it.
The two of us getting into it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, but that night was different. I don’t remember how things escalated. Cooper said something about being disappointed, something else about betraying my father’s memory. I stormed out of the house right after that, Cooper shouting something at me as I climbed into the back of my friend's car and headed straight to the airport. Although the memories of that night are fuzzy, I remember seeing Beau standing in the window of this bedroom, giving me a small nod of approval before turning around and disappearing from sight.
Beau looks almost exactly the same as he did that day. The same old backward baseball cap with frayed edges along the brim. His favorite from the last baseball game we went to with Dad. He has the same crooked nose, same storm-gray eyes, but older. We both are. Older, but not any wiser, since we find ourselves right back here in my childhood bedroom. My big brother, trying to help me solve my problems.
“Did Remy tell you?” I ask, finally turning my head to look at him. “Or did you already know what Cooper’s plan was when I was in Portland?”
Beau laughs dryly, more breath than sound. “I had no idea about anything until Remy called with a heads-up this morning.”
“You know damn well I don’t believe that,” I snap, instantly regretting it. “Sorry, Beau. But you and Cooper tell each other everything. Hell, you’ve been his shadow my entire life. There’s no way he did this without you knowing.”
Beau nods his head, releasing my shoulder and turning his attention back to the wall. He rests his arms on his thighs, folding his hands in front of him. “I’m not trying to start a fight with you, Cole. You’re going to believe what you want to believe, no matter what I say.”
“Then why are you here?”
“Because… I’ve been trying to find a way to get you to let me back in for the last nine years and some change. I want to bridge that gap between us. I want things to go back to the way they were. I want my fucking brother back.”
“Funny,” I scoff, pushing to my feet. “For someone who misses his brother, you never once asked me how I was doing or what my problems were. The only thing you ever asked me was when I was going to talk to our dear older brother.”
“Would you have even told me if I’d asked?” Beau questions as I turn, resting my back against the wall.
“It depends on whether you meant it.” I cross my arms over my chest, gripping desperately to the tentative calm I’ve been able to maintain during our conversation.
“I’m not your enemy, Cole,” he adds quietly, lifting his head and looking me directly in the eyes. “And neither is Cooper.”
Something inside me cracks. Something that goes deeper than the rage. The shame. Something deep inside my soul. A part of me that has always and will always miss my big brothers.
Beau just watches me, waiting for me to let him in like I used to when I was a kid. Not with pity, just steady and quiet love. But I can’t yet, but maybe I can lean on my big brother, even if only a little bit.
For the first time in years, I let my guard down an inch. And then another. There’s no way this is what Beau wanted, but it has to be enough. This is all I can give him right now, but maybe in the future, I can trust him a little bit more. I exhale slowly, allowing all the muscles in my body to relax.
“I refuse to owe him anything, Beau. I doubt he did any of this out of the kindness of his heart. Cooper doesn’t do anything without a reason. He’s going to want something from me. I don’t know what I can give him. Not now, maybe not ever.”
He doesn’t understand. Nothing that involves Cooper comes without strings. It never has. My fists open and close at my sides as I search for something else to destroy.
“He’s our big brother. He doesn’t want anything from you but for you to listen,” Beau responds, his voice even softer. “Cooper’s life hasn’t been sunshine and roses either. He misses his family.”
