Page 17 of Lighting the Lamp
“It’s just routine, Coach.” Parker comes out of his stupor and finally speaks, hands out like he’s trying to smooth the air. “Post-incident protocol. He’s stable. Nothing a few days’ rest won’t cure. The doctor said we had nothing to worry about.”
That’s only part of the truth, but I won’t tell Coach that. It seems all he knows right now is that I passed out at practice. I doubt we’d be having this conversation if he already knew that my heart isn’t beating properly and that was why I passed out. There’s no way he’d let me anywhere near the locker room, let alone skate out on that ice if he did.
“He collapsed on the damn ice. Does that look standard to you?”
The words hit sharper than they should. I flinch slightly, forcing my spine straighter and my chin up. “I’m fine. Dr. Raman said it was just a precaution.”
Coach’s gaze cuts to mine. “You’re in a hospital gown with heart monitors and Lord knows what else hooked up to your body. You. Are. Not. Fine. Beau.”
Cooper jumps in, voice strained. “It looks worse than it really is. He needs rest. He hasn’t been sleeping or eating right and pushing himself too hard.”
Not medical. Stable. It’s like Parker and Cooper are trying to build me a parachute out of tissue paper. I want to scream at them to stop minimizing what happened. To stop pretending that this is just a scratch and I’m not splintering at the core. There’s no way Coach is going to buy any of it. My chest tightens as my vision slowly darkens around the edges. Fear slowly creeps in about what Coach is going to say. That no matter how fast they come up with reasonable explanations, Coach won’t pretend this was all a fluke and not something that could take everything from me.
“You’re going on IR.”
“No.” I breathe too fast, too desperate. “No, I’m not.”
“You are. At least until the playoffs at minimum.”
The room tilts as my lungs seize, but I don’t breathe. I don’t move because if I do, I’m going to fall apart. I can’t do that now. Not with everyone still in the room because they’ll see.
“That’s premature. We haven’t even seen the echo results. You can’t—” Parker objects, but Coach cuts him off.
“I’m not gambling the season on another Hendrix wildcard,” Coach snaps, arms folding tight across his chest.
A sound lodges in my chest. I can’t speak or swallow, my ribs feeling as if they’re splintering inward. Is that what I am now? A liability? A bad bet?
Cooper’s face twists in rage. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
Coach’s voice doesn’t waver. “You know what it means. I saw the signs with Cole. Same bravado, same silence, and the same damn refusal to ask for help. When he imploded, he took my daughter down with him.”
“I’m not Cole,” I grind out.
“That’s what scares me.” The icy tone in Coach’s voice cuts me to my core.
I don’t realize my hands are shaking until I feel the blanket trembling in my grip. I hold tighter, trying to keep them still. Trying to hold myself still.
“You’re punishing me for what happened between you and him, aren’t you?”
Coach’s eyes harden. “I’m protecting the team.”
“Forget the team!” My voice cracks, raw and too loud. “What about me?”
Silence crashes down like an avalanche as I swing my legs off the bed. The movement makes my head spin, but I stand anyway, bare feet unsteady on the cold tile floor.
“What am I supposed to do if I can’t play? If I’m not in the net, if I’m not suited up, if I’m not on the ice—who the hell am I?”
No one answers because it’s not a question any of them can answer. But I already know. I’m nothing. There’s nothing left but a shell of the man I was supposed to be.
“You,” Cooper says finally, his voice softer now. “You’re left. That’s always been enough.”
I want to believe him, but I can’t. I don’t know the version of me without hockey, and I don’t want to.
“I went to college like you asked and got a bullshit degree,” I mutter. “But that was never the plan. The only thing I’ve ever wanted is to play hockey.”
“You’ve got us.” Parker clears his throat, stepping beside me and placing his hand on my arm.
“Then don’t let him bench me,” I say, voice shaking.
