Page 19 of Lighting the Lamp
“Out,” Alise says sharply, rising to her feet. “Both of you, out now.”
“What?” Parker and Cooper respond in unison.
“He’s having a panic attack. Get out.”
Cooper opens his mouth to argue, but she doesn’t give him the chance.
“I love you both, but right now, you’re in the way. He doesn’t need more voices. He needs quiet.” She points toward the door, voice hard but not unkind. “Give us ten minutes.”
Parker hesitates before grabbing Cooper by the arm and tugging him toward the door. “You’ll call if?—”
“I’ve got him,” Alise says, already turning back to me.
The second the door closes, her voice softens like a flipped switch.
“Beau.” She kneels in front of me, her hands reaching for mine, but she doesn’t touch me. “Can I hold your hands?”
I lift my chin slightly, just enough to let her know I heard her, and then she threads her fingers through mine. The feel of her skin pressed against mine, warm and steady, sends a small wave of calm through my entire system.
“You’re okay. I promise,” she whispers, pressing our joined hands to her chest so I can feel her breathing. “Right now, your brain thinks something bad is happening. But it’s not. You’re just scared, but you’re safe here with me.”
“I-I can’t—” My voice shatters mid-word.
“I know. I’ve been there. Just breathe with me, okay? Match me.”
She inhales slowly, exaggerating it for me to follow. Her chest rises under my hands, and I force my own lungs to mirror the movement. Every inhale hurts and feels like pulling glass through my throat, but I do it anyway.
“Good, that’s it. One more.”
I breathe again. It’s a little easier this time. The shaking in my hands doesn’t stop completely, but it lessens. The tunnel vision widens, and I can feel her warmth, her voice, and her presence anchoring me to something real.
“You’re not alone,” she says, brushing the hair off my forehead. “Even when it feels like you are.”
I press my forehead to her shoulder; the edge of her hoodie feels soft against my heated skin. Alise wraps her arms around my shoulders without hesitation, tucks me in close like she knows exactly how small I feel right now.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, my voice raw.
“Don’t be.” Her fingers stroke the back of my neck, tangling in the short hairs. “You’ve been carrying too much for too long. Your body finally called a timeout on you. That’s not a weakness, Beau. That’s what it means to be human.”
I don’t respond; instead, I just let her hold me because I don’t know what comes next. Although it is easier for me to breathe, the fear hasn’t faded completely. I’m still not sure who I am without the net, but right now—just for a minute—Alise makes the freefall feel less terrifying.
And for right now, that’s enough.
Chapter Eight
Alise
Ican feel the exact moment his breathing levels out. It’s not sudden or a dramatic shift like people think, but his shoulders ease by a fraction, and the death grip on my hands loosens just enough for blood to return to my fingers.
“I know how it feels,” I whisper, the words barely audible between us. “To hold it all in until it cracks something open inside you.”
His shoulders shift, like he’s listening even if he can’t respond, and he rests his forehead against me like he’s still trying to anchor himself in the storm.
“I used to think breaking down meant I was weak. That if I let someone see the mess, they’d walk away.” I let out a slow, shaky breath. “But you didn’t. Not once.”
I pull back just enough to see his face—eyes squeezed shut, jaw clenched like he’s still trying to keep something in. God, I hate seeing him like this, but more than that, I hate how long it took him to get here. How hard he fought to hold it all in, to pretend like none of it was catching up with him. Most of all, I hate that I almost caved in on myself earlier. That when his eyes met mine, silently begging me to speak up and save him, I almost did. But I couldn’t this time.
Beau’s drowning in everyone’s expectations, his ego, and the fear of letting everyone down. If I keep tossing him life vests made of denial, I’m no better than the people who expect him to be indestructible. But I won’t be the person to let him drown in these emotions. I’ll be his life raft, just like he’s always done for me.
