Page 90 of Enemies with an Earl
Felix shoved at Sam’s chest, but he didn’t budge, only loomed closer. Felix loved when Sam towered over him. He trailed his fingertips through Sam’s coarse chest hair. “Tell me something about yourself.”
Sam cocked his head, an inky black lock falling over his brow. “Anything in particular?”
“What of your family?” All he knew of was Sam’s relationship with the Duke and the one time Sam had mentioned his family—that they’d disowned him.
Sam shrugged, his gaze shuttering. “We all come from somewhere, don’t we?”
Not what Felix had asked, but that response was telling, and if Sam’s stiff body language was any indication, this wasn’t a subject he wanted to discuss. Normally, a reticence like that would send unease crawling under his skin. After that man’s betrayal all those years ago, secrets…were hard on Felix. But apprehension was oddly absent. Sam didn’t press when Felix wasn’t ready to share. Felix would give Sam the time he needed, too.
A different topic, then. “When did you discover you preferred men?”
Felix always found himself curious to know others’ stories. Felix had known from a very young age. He hadn’t understood it at first, but it became increasingly clear when it was only ever other boys crossing his mind when he’d been a lad. He hadn’t once looked at a woman and had any stir of interest, of desire.
“I was at Eton. I was seventeen. A group of us had gone out wenching…”
Felix blinked. Wenching? For… Women wenches? But wait. He frowned. Wait.Eton?
Sam chuckled. “You look like you’re going to hurt yourself with how hard you’re frowning. Yes, wenching. I don’t mind the occasional woman.”
Thatwassurprising, but the Eton tidbit was much more intriguing—a valet attending Eton? One of the most prestigious schools in the country? That brought about many,manymore questions. Ones he would definitely pursue later. But for now, Sam happily chattering away about his time there, not concealing, not evading… Felix let it rest. That and thewomenrevelation still had his head spinning.
“But there was another student who was with our group,” Sam was saying. “We’d had a few tankards, and we were the only two left without a wench. He…grew overly familiar. I was wholly taken by surprise.” He scratched his head sheepishly. “But shite. Being with a woman hadneverfelt like that. It was like opening a door to an entirely new world.”
Felix nodded. A much different story than his. “So, you like men and women then?” He wasn’t sure why that fact had his stomach sinking like a stone to the bottom of the bathing pool. Why it was all his mind seemed able to latch on to.
Sam shrugged like it was no matter. “Prefer men. But some women appeal.”
“Do you want to have a family, then?”
“I don’t have much to offer a woman, so I really haven’t thought too hard on it.”
Felix frowned. Well, that was a big load of ballocks. Any woman would be lucky to have Sam. “If you did stop to think about it, then. A family, children?” Felix would give anything to have a family with his future partner. To be with a man he loved…raise children with him? He gnawed on his bottom lip, staring into the black shadowed water. Not a possibility. Never a possibility. An elusive dream.
“I suppose if I had the opportunity, found a woman I wanted to spend my life with, then, yes, I’d want to have a family. I do love children. I’m practically one myself.”
Felix forced a smile he didn’t feel. And that’s when he recognized what that large stone sinking in his gut was. Samcouldhave all of that. And that wasn’t something Felix felt comfortable getting in the way of.
“To give a child an upbringing I didn’t have…” Sam’s voice trailed off, stare drifting over Felix’s shoulder. “One where they were accepted and loved unconditionally, no matter what.”
Felix’s gaze sharpened, and he tried to read Sam’s face behind the dancing shadows. There was so much in what Sam had just admitted. Told so much without telling anything at all.
Sam rested his hands on the pool’s edge, caging Felix in. “What about you?” His breath puffed over Felix’s skin, inches separating them.
“Men. Only men. And I’ve pretty much always known. I…can’t.” He shook his head forcefully, his wet hair flicking and sticking to his cheek and forehead. Sam’s hand was there instantly, brushing it away. Felix blew out a breath. “I can’t be with a woman. Not that I’ve tried, but—” He shuddered. He wouldn’t be able to. It would end in complete embarrassment. “No. I cannot.”
“Easy. No one is forcing you to, Fee.”
Felix’s gaze dropped to the small slip of water between them, softly slapping against their torsos. But weren’t they?
“Ah, the earldom,” Sam said.
“Fitzy and his wife are with child. If they have a son, the line will be secure. Mother still wants me to marry as extra protection…but technically, there would be no need.”
Even if that would always make him feel like he was letting Father down. It would be so much easier if he could be like Sam or Kozington and prefer both men and women. Or, if he just preferred women altogether.
“Those are some pretty loud thoughts you’re having there,” Sam murmured. “Care to share?”
“It’s something that I really struggle with,” Felix said. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to put into words what my father meant to me. He would have moved heaven and earth for his family. To protect them.” He glanced around the dim-lit stone room. “He had this very bathing pool built for me after…” He shook his head. “He was the best man, father, earl. To be half the man he was…would be an honor.”
