Page 114 of The Frathole
“This have anything to do with his parents getting a divorce?” he presses.
I take a breath. “He got some more news from his mom.” I leave it at that. Even though I don’t feel like Ryan would be upset about my sharing this with my bro, I don’t feel it’s my news to share. “It was a lot, and it’s catching up with him how much things are gonna change for his family. And he has all this other stuffgoing on too. He’s not playing football anymore, which used to be how he worked out stress. That path was pretty set for him, and he’s like…what does the future look like? On top of that, we aren’t seeing all our friends, and our lives are changing completely.” Just saying it makes my anxiety flare up, twisting in my chest.
“Sounds tough,” Aiden says, and he’s not being jokey or playful—a rare thing for him. “I get it since I’m feeling similarly about high school. I’m gonna be heading off to Peach State next year, and everything will be changing from here on.”
“Yeah…and I keep trying to think of a way to reach him, to help him, but I can’t think of anything right to say, or what to do to make this better. Like…it’s not the kind of thing you can make better.”
“Trust me, I know what that’s like too.”
My chest constricts even more. I wasn’t considering what I was saying, and given Aiden’s sorrowful expression, I know he’s thinking about the other thing I couldn’t change. That no one could change after his accident.
“I’m so sorry.” Tears stir in my eyes. Because like I told Ryan, deep down I feel this is something I’ve done to him.
“You have nothing to be sorry about, Mart.”
I try to keep it down like I always do, but the stress of everything that’s happening, my worry about Ryan, makes it bubble to the surface. “I should have been there.”
His forehead creases. “It’s just a shitty thing that happened.” He says it so matter-of-factly, like it’s never even crossed his mind.
“I would have made sure you didn’t get on that ATV.” As soon as I get the words out, I fucking lose it. The tears break free, rolling down my cheeks.
It’s all too much. My powerlessness against what’s going on with Ryan has prodded something so dark within me, this guilt I carry over the past. “I’m so sorry,” I blurt out, my words barelyaudible with how much my voice cracks as I bow my head to keep him from seeing his big bro crumbling like this.
I don’t know how I’m expecting him to respond, but suddenly, his hand is on my shoulder. “Hey, you,” he says, the way Dad used to whenever we would get worked up like this, and it pulls me out of my dark thoughts long enough to look his way.
I’m expecting to see judgment, to see this side that’s always blamed me, that maybe that’s why he hasn’t spent as much time with me this past year, but his expression is soft, sympathetic.
“It took me a long time not to blame myself even,” he says. “But we were kids. Plenty of kids do dangerous things, and nothing ever happens to them. Everything that’s happened to me has made me realize how deeply unfair life is…and you know what? It is unfair, and I don’t give a fuck that it’s unfair because that’s not gonna keep me from doing all the things I want to do. It’s changed things for me, but as you can see, I’m perfectly capable of living a fulfilling, meaningful life. Just different than we thought it would be.”
I snicker uneasily. “That’s the Aideniest thing you could have said.”
His lips curl into his dimples. “I don’t blame myself for an accident. I don’t blame our cousins. So I sure as hell don’t blame you.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not gonna magically shake away the guilt anytime soon.”
“I can’t do much about that in a quick chat, but I know what I can do.”
I can’t tell where he’s going with that.
“Do you rememberafterthe accident? When I finally got back from the hospital, you, Mom, and Dad were all over me. Taking care of whatever I needed. Getting me to specialists and helping me get around town. You were basically my personal servant for awhile there, and I needed it because I was in such a dark headspace. Wasn’t ready to deal with the fact that this could be my forever.”
I remember it all too well. The despair. The depression. It was hard, not only because of what happened, but because of how difficult it was to see the light in his eyes fade to the point where I thought I might never see the real him again…or at least the version of him I’d known up until that point.
Although, I don’t get why he’s bringing it up now.
“I knew if I let you,” he says, “you would have been there like that for the rest of my life.”
“If you said you wanted me to do it again, I would. You know that, right?” I don’t ever want him to question that. Ever feel like he needed to do this on his own.
He grins, a warm glint in his eyes. “I’ve got a good big bro, but one day you were getting dinner ready for me because Mom and Dad were on vacation, and it really locked in for me. That I would never get to really live. Maybe I’d have fewer struggles, but I’d also never have success or accomplishments…or anything to enjoy again. That wasn’t the life I wanted. I wanted to be my own person. I still had dreams. You had your own dreams, and I know I was hard on you because you wouldn’t leave me alone right away, but it was the right thing to do…to push you away.”
Even hearing him talk about how he pushed me away breaks my heart because all I wanted was to be there for him, to take care of any issue he might have.
“Clearly, you were right,” I confess. “Now you’re killing it and making it all look so easy.”
“It’s not easy, that’s for sure. Some days I do fucking hate it because I can’t not compare myself to my friends, but then some days, I can appreciate aspects of it all.” He grips my shoulder tighter. “But all that aside, you know what made it easier to do all this? Having you as my bro.”
I’m not following, especially since the whole point of his story was to remind me of when he pushed me away. Surely, my confusion’s written all over my face since he adds, “It was scary, Mart. And I didn’t know how things were going to work out, but I knew I was gonna be okay because, even if something happened, even if I couldn’t figure it all out on my own, I had someone who would catch me when I fell. No matter what happened, you’d be right there.”
