Page 60 of Cross Check My Heart
A larger part of me is angry that, on top of that, she told us nothing but lies. She made it sound like the moment he took his job, he forgot about us. When he didn’t. If I wasn’t already pissed about the Cam situation, I would say screw it and call her right now to find out why.
I take a deep breath. The only thing that I can do right now is move forward.
“Unfortunately, we can’t change anything. The most we can do now is get to know each other and whatever happens, happens. If you want to, that is.” A genuine smile finally spreads across his face.
“I would love that.”
Fucking hell.That’s the only thought I’ve been able to manage since walking into the arena ten minutes ago.
I don’t think I can be here.
Setting my bag down on the ground in front of my cubby, I force myself to take a deep breath. I try to focus my thoughts onjust the game and putting on my gear for practice instead. This season has been my best one yet, both for myself personally and as a team. My speed and agility have been improving drastically thanks to Grey’s extra help at practice and we’ve won five of our six games played in the regular season.
However, it wasn’t until yesterday after we finished up practice and all got together to review footage from the teams we play this week, that I realized I’m not ready forthisparticular game.
This will be the first time I’m playing against my former team. While we watched a few games from last season, I couldn’t bring myself to add anything useful. Some of the guys had asked me questions about certain plays, but for the most part everyone let me be. Whether that was thanks to Landon or Coach, who knew why I left the team, or just that they all realized that it was better to leave me alone, I didn’t ask.
For a while last night, I thought that keeping to myself was for the best and that I was holding myself together. But when I got home, Lilly instantly knew something was wrong. She asked how she could help me and if it was anyone else, I probably would have brushed it off and gone off to be left alone. Except that it washerasking, and without even thinking twice, I told her what was getting to me.
All I had to say was who we were playing against, and no further explanation was needed. After I told her about how Sarah died and why I left Colorado, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. From that night on, it has felt like I could say or do anything, and she would never judge or pity me.
The more I get to know her and let her in, the more that the nickname I had given her when we first met makes sense. She is the sunshine in my darkest moments.
It’s at this moment that I decide that thinking about Lilly is better than letting my mind wander and spiral about playingagainst my old team tonight. With my thoughts focused on her, I push off the bench and go through the motions of lacing up my skates. Aside from the day after her ex showed up, I’ve always been one of the first guys to the arena on game day. Today more than ever, I’m grateful for my routine of showering, stretching, cardio, then hitting the ice. Although, the past few games there’s been the added step of cardio with Lilly before my shower.
Once my skates are secure on my feet, I put on the rest of my gear. Going through the motions on pure muscle memory, I grab my stick and helmet before heading out to the rink.
The arena is eerily quiet, which is just another reason I like to show up before everyone else. Knowing my time alone is limited, I don’t waste any more of it, and get on the ice. After a few minutes of some solo warmup laps, I grab some pucks from their place at the benches. It’s nothing but instinct to go through shots at the net and back around the ice with the puck. Having succeeded in my mission to not think about today’s game, I’m so lost in my movements that it’s not until another stick swipes the puck from in front of me that I know someone else is here.
Landon’s smile is practically blinding as he skates away with the puck and hits it into the opposite net. Glancing at the clock, I realize a half hour has passed and that if Landon is here, the team is not far behind.
“You ready for today?” Landon asks as he skates around the net he just shot into. He plays it off as if he’s just making small talk, but the glance he sends my way before focusing back on the puck tells me all I need to know. He and Coach James are the only two on the team who would think to ask about my headspace today. Making my way toward the benches to grab a drink of water, I think over his question.
Am I ready for today?
Last night, after I told Lilly who we are playing against today, she curled into my lap and simply hugged me. For a while, I justheld her in my arms in silence, content to just get lost in my thoughts. Without making a conscious decision, I had started talking to her about my time with the Cougars. There were some good memories, and most of those were all thanks to Sarah. Those were the thoughts that I was grateful to remember, to talk about. By the end of the night, the feeling of complete dread had ebbed away.
Until I woke up this morning and had the thought that I would be seeing Josh on the ice. Since transferring, I hadn’t even thought to check on how my old team was doing. I honestly have no idea what to expect. Which is exactly what has me on edge about today’s game, unsure of how to answer Landon’s question.
I hear him skate up behind me as I lean over the short wall, the sound of Dean’s laugh from the tunnel to the locker room reaches my ears and I turn to Landon.
“Honestly? I have no idea.” He stares toward the locker room for a drawn out moment before he responds.
“Do you think he’ll say anything to you?” I don’t need him to elaborate. I scrub my hand over my face and shrug.
“I hope not.”
“I’m gonna suggest something, and I just want you to hear me out and think about it before you say no.” His serious tone has me standing straight up and instinctively bracing myself. Landon watches me before nodding his head in the direction of the locker rooms. “Let a few of them know why today’s game is messing with your head. I’m not saying sit down and spill every detail, but just let someone besides Coach and I in on the fact that you have personal issues with the Cougar’s captain.”
When I don’t protest his suggestion right away, he continues.
“You know Coach and I will have your back if he does approach you, if any of them do, really. Outside of the game, none of them have a reason to talk to you. Selfishly though, itwould be nice to know that if Coach and I are busy, someone else would have your back.”
I think over his suggestion for a minute, unease rippling through me.
“I’m not saying you can’t hold your own, I’ve seen you on and off the ice and I know you got this. But I also know that a few of these guys, Dean and Greyson especially, genuinely care about you and would have your back without a second thought. I think they deserve to know what they’re backing you on.”
If he had suggested this a month ago, I would have brushed him off without a second thought. Now though, I know he’s right. Greyson and Landon had my back when Lilly’s ex showed up, it was like a deeper level of friendship clicked into place with these guys. That day after everything happened, before the game, Greyson had even pulled us aside to apologize and explain why he bolted out of the hospital. When he was talking to us about his past, I knew that when I was ready to tell them, they wouldn’t look at me with pity. One of the reasons I needed to get away from Colorado after Sarah died was because everyone kept treating me as if I was two breaths away from either breaking down or exploding in anger.
