Page 27 of Cross Check My Heart
She turns to me then, searching my face for an answer to something. Sighing, she nods her head slowly before turning to face the TV again as she tucks her knees to her chest. She doesn’t look at me as she answers.
“I just got out of a relationship, like two…no, three months ago. I ended it, but the more time that passes, the more I realize that the relationship was toxic as hell.Hewas toxic, and I didn’t start noticing until the end. Almost five years and I was oblivious.” She rubs her arms absentmindedly before continuing.
“My family loves him, like, they adore the ground he walks on. So, after shit hit the fan…they didn’t want to pick between us. My older brother, Ian, and my ex have been friends since the day they met. And my mom has thought of him like a third son.”She glances at me with a scowl. “She literally asked him when he was going to propose the first time she met him.” She sighs, resting her cheek on her knees so her face is tilted toward me but keeping her gaze past me. Her voice is quiet when she speaks again. It’s almost enough to suggest a subject change. However, something in my gut has me thinking that she needs to get this off her chest.
“My mom didn’t think it was fair for him to feel excluded or like he couldn’t come around anymore. So, I chose for them. I called Paige, and, of course, when she found out about what I’ve been working on, she told me I had to submit it. She convinced me to call my dad for the first time in nine years and to submit my work to SweetHeart Publishing. I moved down here two weeks later.” She finally looks at me with a sad smile.
“They think I moved down here to be dramatic and difficult.”
I can only blink in response as anger hits me full force. Typically, when I’m hit with intense emotions, I step back to clear my mind instead of responding in the heat of the moment. But I’m struggling to do that right now. Family is supposed to support you over everyone else. Yet hers is trying to push her back into a relationship sotheyaren’t inconvenienced.
She sighs, still watching me as she talks again.
“My family knows I’m living in Florida, but they think I’m living with Paige and that, eventually, I’ll realize that I made a mistake and will go back to Cam. I just can’t bring myself to tell them what he did, why I broke up with him, and just how damaged our relationship was. It’s like…if I tell them everything that happened leading up to the break-up, that they will be disappointed in me. But at the same time, it feels like I’m the one doing the wrong thing.”
Knowing the douchebag’s name just adds fuel to the fire, making him a real person that I want nothing more than to punch in the face. Unable to resist not touching her any longer,I put my arm around her and pull her to my side as I kiss her forehead.
“You removed yourself from a toxic environment. There is nothing wrong about that, if anything, it’s fucking brave. It takes a lot of strength to get out of a bad relationship.” Lilly tilts her head back, using my shoulder to prop her head up as she looks at me with watery eyes. “Calling Paige and your dad for help was the best thing you could have done.”
She inhales a ragged breath as I meet her stare, trying to reign in my anger, hoping that she instead sees how strong she’s been. I’m in a weird spot where I want to ask about her ex to learn more about how he hurt her, and wanting to make her smile again. I also really want to ask about the comment she made about calling her dad for the first time in nine years.
“Paige seems like she’s not one to hold back her opinions, what does she think of everything with your family?” I’m rewarded with a half-smile and a quiet chuckle before she answers.
“You would be right. Paige is not the kind of person to hold back on calling someone out for being a dick. If she knew the full extent of everything with Cam and my family, she would be on the next flight back to Vermont and raise Hell in a heartbeat.” My chest aches as I realize what she’s saying.
“Paige… doesn’t know everything?”
She slowly shakes her head. “No. She thinks he only cheated and that my family doesn’t know about that. But…this is actually the most I’ve said about any of this to anyone.” She gives a sad laugh. “Which is weird since I hardly know you.”
I squeeze her tighter, happy that she feels comfortable enough to talk to me, but also sad that she feels the need to keep things from anyone.
“We’ll count this as the “getting to know each other” part of our secret relationship.” This time her laugh sounds a bit lighter.I wait until she’s looking at me again before asking one of the questions burning in my mind.
“You said Paige thinks heonlycheated… what else did he do?” For a long moment, I think she’s not going to answer me. Then she does, and the need to punch the fucker in the face only grows stronger.
“No one knows it wasn’t just the one time he cheated. Last September was when I first learned he was cheating. When I confronted him about everything, he convinced me to stay. Made me believe that things were going to change, thathewould change.” She closes her eyes, taking a couple deep breaths before continuing.
“So, I trusted him. He was the only man I had been with; we were four years into our relationship, and at that point, I was convinced I was broken. That no one else would think I was good enough, especially considering I never wanted to have sex. I fucking thought there was something wrong with me because I didn’t enjoy doingthingswith him. But I was also convinced that he was the only one who would put up with me if I was defective. I stayed when he promised he would be better, that we would get past everything.”
“Things were good for a couple months after that. He was sweet, attentive, and the picture-perfect boyfriend until he just…stopped. It was like nothing I did or said was right, and everything that went wrong wasmyfault. Paige was actually the one who opened my eyes to the hole I was spiraling into without noticing. She came home for Christmas and asked if I lost weight. I laughed it off and chalked it up to the fact that she hadn’t seen me in months.” Lilly closes her eyes as a lone tear finally escapes and rolls down her cheek.
“Everything hit me at once. Cam had spent years emotionally manipulating and abusing me, and I didn’t even notice. I was bending over backwards, hurting, and putting myself down sothat he could shine. But even then, I stayed because I was convinced he loved me in his own, twisted way.”
When she opens her eyes, they’re shining with anger. “Then I walked in on him fucking the neighbor on our couch and I was done. I would take being broken and alone over ever feeling that low again.”
“But you’re not broken.” I had meant that as a question, but as it came out, I realized how right I was. Garrett’s words from the game bounce around in my head, and I realize they fit her too.
“You’re not broken, you took some hits and some bits of you got chipped away, but you’re here. You are the sunshine that peeks through during the roughest part of the storm.”
Another tear escapes, I catch it with my thumb as I cup her cheek, leaning forward to kiss her as the need for her to accept what I’ve said hits me. We’ve only known each other for three days, yet it’s enough time to start seeing how spectacular she is. Her family not being able to put her happiness above their own comfort and wants is bullshit. If she needs someone in her corner, supporting her move, then I can fucking be that person.
“How are you feeling about everything? You know, now that you’ve gotten away and had time to start clearing your head?” She scrunches her brows together at my question. I realize it’s most likely because no one has actually asked howshe’sdoing.
“I’m okay.” I lift an eyebrow in response which earns me a curt chuckle. “I’mthe one who ended the relationship. And I’m glad that I did, there’s no part of me that regrets breaking up with Cam.”
“Just because you made the choice to end things, doesn’t mean you don’t get to be upset or hurt. You said he cheated on you, multiple fucking times. That in and of itself is traumatizing enough. Add in his mind games and other toxic behavior?” I scoff. “He hurt you, repeatedly. But that pain doesn’t take away from the fact that at one point, you cared for him. You’re allowedto be upset over the loss of someone you thought you knew. Or maybe you really are okay and I’m projecting my thoughts.” I shrug, focusing, back on the TV. I need a moment to breathe, to get my thoughts straight. The desire to punch a man whom I don’t even know is insane considering I barely know Lilly.
After taking a few more deep, calming breaths, I finally look down at Lilly. She’s still leaning on my shoulder, tracing circles on my chest absentmindedly. Her mindless patterns help calm my racing thoughts. It’s not right that she’s been forced to hide her emotions. Considering how close my family and I always were, I can’t imagine any of them ever picking an ex-girlfriend over me.
