Page 49 of Note to Self
All the air rushes from my lungs in a whoosh. That’s a long time in prison, even if he only does three. It’s enough to have an impact on the rest of his life. He’s lost everything, and honestly, I can’t find a shred of sympathy for him. He could easily have killed Merlin or me.
Tears cluster in the corners of my eyes, threatening to spill over. “That’s good, really good. Are you happy with that?”
“I am, but please don’t cry. It’s all good news.” He wipes under my eyes, catching any tears before they tip over the brim. “We need to celebrate.” He kisses me softly, but it quickly turns into more, and our tongues tangle as they stroke against each other.
“Hey! You two, pack it in. There’s work to be done,” Ivan shouts.
Our kisses turn into smiles, even with our lips pressed together. “You’d better go, but please, no heavy lifting.”
“You phone around and get the celebrations going.” He kisses me once more.
“What about your parents?” I ask. “They’re going to want to know what happened.”
“You call them. I think they love you more than me.” He grins and jogs to Ivan to finish the work.
His parents are awesome and treat me like another son. I think the time we spent at the hospital helped us get to know each other. I’m not sure what Merlin told them about me and my family, but they welcomed me with open arms. Literally. When I freaked out over Merlin being attacked, his mum held me, comforting me in a way my mother had never done. She even calls just to speak to me sometimes, something Merlin finds hysterical. It gets him off the hook, he says. Now it's my turn to be interrogated. I don’t mind. It’s been a long time since anyone has been interested in me and what I’m doing.
I open my phone and bring up her number, then walk over to the kettle and flick the switch to turn it on. One of the kittens curls around my ankles, weaving between my legs. He doesn’t fool me, though. He’s been fed and is just a scrounger.
The call connects, and a cheery voice greets me. “Trent, how lovely to hear from you. Is Merlin behaving himself?”
“Hi, Jenny, and what do you think? I’ve just caught him shifting twenty-kilo bags of compost. You need to have a word with him because he isn’t listening to me. I’ve got some news. We’ve just heard from Merlin’s solicitor with the verdict. Marc got a five-year sentence. He’ll probably be out in three, but it’s the best result we could hope for.”
“Oh, Trent, that is good news. How are you feeling about it?”
I let out a shuddering breath. “I’m okay, a bit numb. I don’t think it will sink in for a while, but I’m relieved it’s all over and done with. Merlin wants to celebrate, so I’m going to try to get something organised with everyone either tonight or tomorrow.”
“You’re allowed to have mixed feelings, sweetheart. He was in your life for a long time.”
“I only feel angry. Angry at him for what he did to Merlin, angry at how he treated me. But mostly I’m angry at myself for letting it happen for so long. If I’d been stronger and left him years ago, I wouldn’t have put Merlin in such danger. I don’t know what I would’ve done if he’d died.”
“Trent, sweet boy, don’t dwell on what didn’t happen. Be happy that he’s here, and he loves you. Go spend the night with your friends and enjoy your life.”
“I know you’re right, but tell that to my brain when the nightmares kick in.”
“You have nightmares?” a voice from behind me asks.
Merlin walks to me and takes the phone from my hand. “Mum, I’ll call you back later.”
Jenny says something, but I can’t hear what, but Merlin replies, “I know that, Mum. Yes, I will. Okay, bye.”
He hands me back my phone and pulls me in for a hug. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because you’ve been through enough. You don’t need my shit added on to it. They’ll go away.” I lean back to look at his face.
“I’m not going anywhere, you know that, right? We’re going to get old and grey together. Nothing is going to happen to me or you.”
That’s easy for him to say, but then he’s never had to watch his brother waste away and die at the same age I am now. Not that I’m going to burden him with my thoughts, so I smile and press a kiss to his neck, then more up his throat to his jawline.
“I can think of something you can do to take my mind off everything,” I murmur and scrape my teeth over the stubble on his chin.
“It’s a good job I told Ivan that we’re finished for the day.”
It’s opening day, and the sun has come out to celebrate with us. It’s been a tough few months, not just working to get this place ready but also for us as a couple. Trent realised that he wasn’t going to get through all his worries without some professional help. He’s been seeing a therapist for a couple of months, and it’s helping. We’ve even had a few sessions together. I learnt the depth of his fears of rejection and of losing someone. A lot of his problems go back to his parents. The fact that he was never as important as Josh, that he felt like the spare, that he had to be the provider of grandchildren when Josh died. Then their easy dismissal of him for being bisexual and finding a man he wanted to spend his life with.
My love for him has grown as I watch him learn that I’m not going anywhere. He trusts me the way he’s always wanted to. He’s talking to Merrick while holding Willow on his hip, his blond hair shining, catching the sun rays. Merrick looks past him to me and gives me a small smile. Trent turns to me, his smile large. It lights up his eyes and makes them sparkle. He points at me and says something to Willow, who waves frantically at me.
Something inside me tugs: the image of Trent holding our child and dancing with her. Could it be on our horizon?
