Page 68 of A Cowboy's Claim
God. Was she really going to tell him?
“You want to sit at the table to talk?” Declan stroked his thumb over her knuckles. “You want to cuddle on the couch? What would make this easier, darlin’?”
Sydney tugged him to the couch, sitting beside him and leaning her head on his shoulder. It would be easier if she didn’t look at his face. “Remember I said I don’t like doing deliveries?”
“Yeah.” He linked their fingers together, and his thumb moved in a steady rhythm like a mini heartbeat, back and forth over her thigh.
“First two years of school I didn’t make a lot of friends because of the vast age differences, but there was one girl, on the younger side as well, and so brilliant. Stacy was a shiny star who made everyone rise up and do better.”
He leaned against Sydney’s side and let her be quiet for a moment, just listening.
“Brilliant, but also beautiful, and she fell in love. Middle of her third year she and her engineer-in-training boyfriend decided they wanted to get married.” Sydney could picture it still. “It was a beautiful wedding. Early March, snow everywhere. They were both still in school, but it was doable. Until year four, when she got pregnant.”
Beside her, Declan stiffened. “Oh, hell.”
“The really sad thing is Stacy was very much pro-choice. She could’ve chosen to have an abortion, but she and Peter really wanted the baby. By the time Christmas finals rolled around, Stacy was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and preeclampsia. She was still pretty upbeat. They decided because her schooling would take another seven years to finish, and Peter was one term away from being fully certified, she’d stay home with the baby after it arrived, and somewhere down the road she’d go back to finish.”
Declan’s big arm snuck around the side of her, creating a protective wall. “Things went wrong?”
“She died.” Sydney’s voice broke. “The baby was in intensive care for three weeks, but he made it. Now Peter has a little boy to raise all by himself, and everything Stacy used to tell me she looked forward to doing is gone.”
The protective arm around her shifted her until her face was pressed against his chest, still avoiding eye contact but holding her so she didn’t have to hold herself. “I’m sorry you lost your friend. I’m sorry for all the tomorrows she didn’t get to have with her husband and baby.”
His voice was deeper, choked with tears. Of all the people in her world, he could more than understand the pain she felt.
She touched her hand to his chest softly. “I’m sorry you lost Sadie. And your mom. Sometimes it just hurts too much.”
He held her quietly before finally speaking. “It wouldn’t hurt as much if we hadn’t loved them so deeply.”
Sydney lost it. The tears poured out until she felt as if she were washing the inside of the cottage as much as the storm was flooding the countryside.
Even when the tears eased enough for her to draw a ragged breath, the tight knot at the back of her throat was still there.
She had to finish. She had to let him know every barrier that lay between them.
“I am never doing that.” Her voice cracked but held firm. “I amnevergetting pregnant.” She drew in a ragged breath. “It’s not that I don’t like kids—I love all my friends’ babies. But I can’t. I justcan’t?—”
“And you never have to,” Declan assured her. “There’s no rule that says anyone has to procreate, thank God. Although I wish sometimes there was an approval process and people couldn’t become parents unless they passed some sort of exam.”
Once again a laugh escaped when she least expected it. “You make it really hard to wallow in my tears.”
“Oh, hell. You go ahead and cry as much as you want. I figure I’ve filled a bucket’s worth a couple times in my life. There are days where I’m tempted to start again. But then those are the times Sadie would remind me I’ve a lot to be grateful for as well.”
Sydney made a rude noise.
He cleared his throat. “She didn’t say it the wrong way. It wasn’t one of those Pollyanna always-looking-at-the-bright-side bullshit things. More like remembering to be grateful that I got to have the time I did with my mom. That I’ve got the memories I do with Sadie. That I got to experience life and take in the things they both taught me that make me into a better man. I can’t wish that away. And that’s what I’d be doing if I wished I didn’t hurt as much as I do for losing them.”
Sydney’s breath was shaky, but at least she’d said that one thing. “I have to apologize.”
He pulled back and let her look up at him. “Better not be for crying in my arms.”
She shook her head. “I’m guilty of thinking you’d want a kid of your own, and there’s no way I can give you one.”
The look he gave her. “Sydney Jeremiah. And here I thought you were the smart one.”
“What? A lot of guys think it’s important that?—”
“You look at my family and tell me what you see,” he ordered firmly. “Just in case you’re still wiping tears from your eyes and things are fuzzy, I’ll start you off. We’ve got Aiden and Petra, who are signing on kit and caboodle to be mom and dad to a seventeen-year-old. Then there’s Jake and Tansy raising a five-year-old who is no blood relative, but you tell me they’re not Jeffrey’s mommy and daddy.”
