Page 61 of In Case You Didn't Know
I bite down a smile, figuring I need to be normal for him. Especially after what he did for me last night.
He saved me. Maybe I can repay the favor.
“Nature can be healing, right?” I quip.
There’s the faintest huff of a laugh from the other end. It sounds a little broke, a little raw. But it’s there and it warms my heart.
“I can’t remember the last time this happened to me,” he murmurs. “Fuck, I thought I was past all this. I feel like I’m a kid again.”
My breath catches. “You’ve had panic attacks before?”
“A very long time ago.”
I hesitate. “Do you want to talk about it?” I ask softly. I have no idea how to make him feel better, but I want to keep him on the line. Hearing his voice makes my whole body feel like it’s vibrating, but I also need to make sure he’s okay.
I owe him that. And more than that, I want to do it.
There’s a long pause before he speaks again. I hear his breathing – becoming less shuddery, more regular. There’s the sound of cars and the occasional bird. I wish we were on video, but I don’t think he’d like that.
Asher Fitzgerald is always so closed off. So in control. I’m not sure he’d ever show this side of him in normal circumstances. And I don’t want to break the connection we somehow have right now, even though he’s hundreds of miles away.
“I was stuck in a closet,” he says. His voice is so low I have to concentrate to hear him. “I was ten. My dad owed the wrong people money. Shocking, I know.”
I wince, because I know all about their dad’s gambling addiction. He lost their home, their island, and their fortune after all. By that point, Hudson and Asher were older. They managed to keep the family going. But it affected Autumn and Eden and I saw it first hand.
“He used me to help him cheat,” Asher confesses. “He figured out I was good at math and turned it to his advantage. Made me hang around the room when they had poker games. I had to count the cards.”
Good at math is an understatement. The whole family knows that Asher is pretty much a math genius. Eden, their youngest sister, is too. Autumn used to regularly complain that the gene somehow skipped her, especially when it came to tests at school.
“He made you do it?” I ask.
“He’d intimidate me. Would tell me there’d be no food on the table if I didn’t. Told me I was doing it for the family. I was a kid, I…” He lets out a breath. “I should have said no. But I loved him, you know?”
My heart contracts. “Of course you did.”
“One night we got caught,” he tells me. “They locked me in a closet while they…handled him.”
Oh god. The breath leaves my lungs like I’ve been punched. I press a hand to my chest, trying to calm myself.
“I sat in there for hours, listening to him get beat. Hearing him scream. Thinking that I’d be next and it was all my fault.” He trails off, like he’s done talking. “Since then small places… just mess with me.”
It occurs to me that I’ve never seen him in an elevator. His office is on the second floor, his apartment on the third. He could afford the penthouse but…
“Asher.” I have no idea what to say that doesn’t sound hollow or useless. So I say the truth. “That’s not something you just get over. No wonder you feel so bad.”
He exhales. Not shaky this time. Just tired. The man’s been up since God knows when. Dealing with a mess that could threaten his business. No wonder he’s exhausted.
“I shouldn’t have called you,” he tells me.
“I’m glad you did,” I say firmly. “You’re allowed to not be perfect sometimes. You’re allowed to lean on someone.”
This time the silence isn’t uncomfortable. It’s heavy, but with something else. Something new.
“I have no idea how to do that,” he admits.
“Well, you’re making a pretty good attempt of it now,” I tell him softly. I try to imagine him right now, slumped outside the hospital in his expensively designed suit. His hair a mess, his heart racing. The man who always holds everything together is finally letting someone see through the cracks.
And I’m the one he’s letting in.
