Page 109 of That Fake Feeling
Ipush myself up on my elbow and try to catch my breath.Fornow,Ihave to set aside the hurt coursing through me and deal with the immediate, pressing issues.
Atleast being alone is somethingIknow how to do.Iknow how to soldier on and work and study and fight for a better future for myself and a causeIbelieve in.Everythingwill be fine.Itwill have to be fine.
Ipull a tissue from the box on the nightstand, blow my nose, wipe my eyes, and take a deep breath.Idon’t have time to be hurt, upset, or broken.Inow have a bunch of practical shit to figure out.
Like, where the hell amIgoing to sleep tomorrow night?
Ihaven’t spoken toBrittneysinceImoved out, soIcan’t crawl back to her and ask for a couple of nights on her sofa.Thatwould be super awkward.Especiallysince she’ll be all loved-up withRob.
There’sliterally no one else on the listIcould ask.Actually, there’s no list.
It’snever occurred to me before, but there’s no friendI’mclose enough with to ask for help.Sure,Iget along with people at school and at work, but it’s all superficial.Ihaven’t built any real relationships with anyone.Connor’sright—Idon’t let anyone close.Andobviously that’s the best policy because look what’s happened the one timeI’veslipped up.
I’veended up lying on a beautiful bed in a beautiful house, while downstairs there’s a beautiful man who has a chunk of my heart somewhere about his person.AndIdon’t know where the hellI’llgo whenIwalk out of his front door tomorrow morning.
Ican’t go apartment hunting until my final big payment comes through.Ido have the cashI’vesaved from my weekly allowances, though, andI’mused to living cheaply, so that could tide me over for a little while.
Isit up cross-legged and grab my phone from my bag.
Justneed somewhere for a few days.
Itype in “cheapNewYorkCityhotels.”
Well, if this page of results is what’s considered cheap,I’min trouble.
Thereare a couple at a rateIwould pay, but they look like smaller versions of the cockroach-infested apartmentsI’ddreaded ending up in.
Okay, well,Iguess “cheap” and “NewYorkCity” don’t exactly go hand in hand, butI’mnot burning through my cash for a few nights at a non-revolting hotel.Whata hideous waste of money that would be.
Myphone buzzes in my hand.
It’sAuntJen.
Connorhas brothers and cousins and parents who mean the world to him and fill his life.IhaveAuntJen.AndI’malways so busy with work and school that my pledge to keep in close contact with her does slip sometimes.Icould not be more racked with guilt about that thanIam right this second.AndI’mthoroughly ashamed of myself for misleading her aboutConnor.Ishould have ignoredSterling’snondisclosure agreement.Ishould have trusted her.AndIshould have trusted my gut.Abouteverything.
Seeingher name on my phone gives me that warm, safe feeling that only family can.Unconditionallove is a magical thing, whichIhaven’t appreciated or nurtured nearly enough.
AUNTJEN(8:41PM)
Soooo… when doIget to see you? #favoriteniece #sadaunt #kisshugkiss
She’salways guaranteed to raise a smile too—I’mher only niece, she’s never sad, andIcould sure do with some hugs and kisses.
Iflop back on the bed and gaze up at the cute crystal chandelier that reflects diamond shapes of light across the ceiling.Iwonder if it’s original or a reproduction—the design equivalent of fake.AnddidConnorchoose it?Ora designer he hired?Whatparts of this place are real?Whatparts of what we had over the last few days were real?
Rightnow,Ineed somethingI’msure is real.
Iroll back onto my belly and look at my phone.
AsItype, a tear splashes onto the screen.
ME: (8:44PM)
Howabout tomorrow?
29
ROSE
