Page 33 of That Fake Feeling
Istroll over to the window, lean on the ledge, and look out into the yard.
Yeah,Ishould be getting back to the office.There’sa meeting about a new pool toy that helps kids learn to tell time.Butit’s the last placeIwant to be.It’salways the last placeIwant to be.
And, just like everyone else,Roseassumes it’s whatIlive for.
Myeyes are drawn to a buzzing on the other side of the window.Abee is lying on the sill on its back, kicking its little legs in the air.
IfonlyJorgehadn’t gone toMaxandWalkerand told themIwas in danger of being voted off.Ifonly the guys had never known.Icould have let the board quietly kick me out and escaped while blamingthem, without ever having to face up to my brothers, cousins, and parents and tell themIhate my job and want to step away.
Butthat’s somethingI’llnever do.
MomandDadare so proud of the businesses we’ve all built.IfIbroke away from the pack to do something else, they’d never be as happy.DoingwhatIwant to do would mean being disloyal to them.AndIwill never be that.
DamnMaxandWalkerfor being so great they want to pull out all the stops to help me hang onto somethingIdon’t want.It’sokay for them, all they’ve ever wanted to do with their lives is to start and run hugely successful companies.
Theyare the ones who pushed me to build the business.AndIlove how much our toys help kids.Ijust can’t bear the day-to-day existence of corporate life.Butthe guys would be so disappointed if they knew how fucking miserable it makes me.I’dbe a total letdown.
Thebee is still struggling.Arethey like turtles?Canthey not get themselves back on their feet?
WhenSterlingshowed us the photos, my gut reaction was relief—delight that it had gone horribly wrong, that the board would be so pissed off they might just get rid of me right now, and it would all be over.
Thebuzzing gets quieter, the leg-kicking slows.Thatlittle critter needs a hand.Islowly lift the latch on the window so as not to scare it.JustasI’mabout to ease it open, another bee lands next to the first one and pokes it with its nose—or whatever it is bees have where a nose should be.
Alightbulb goes off in my head.Maybethis is a second chance for me to get out.AllIneed is for theRosething to fail, and it would be over.IguessIcould justmakeit fail.
Whilemy family is endlessly supportive, they all obviously hate the wayIspend my time at bars and clubs, and deep down they thinkI’ma loser who can’t do anything right anymore.
Andthey’re correct.
Apartfrom the business,I’ma disappointment to myself as well as them.AndwhileImight laugh and joke and be the life of the party,Ican’t remember the last timeIhad actual fun on a night out.
So,Iguess no one would be surprised ifIscrewed up this plan too.
Beenumber two gives the guy on his back another nudge and knocks him against the window.Thenshoves his nose-thing underneath and lifts him up a bit.Thefirst guy’s legs waggle with full force again as he pushes against the glass and rights himself.Theyrub their nose-things together and fly off.
Huh.
Yeah, so there is a way out of corporate life without being disloyal to my parents or to the pactImade with my brothers and cousins.AwayIcan blame it all on the board and never have to disappoint the family by telling them the life of aCEOis not for me.
AllIhave to do is fuck up this squeaky-clean girlfriendPRstunt.
9
ROSE
“Justclose your eyes for me,” says the makeup artist as she dabs on more eyeshadow.
Connor’sdining area has been turned into a makeshift dressing room for the photoshoot withAGoodLook.Ishift on the high stool and tuck the black cape under my thighs to keep the extremely tight dress they’ve put me in safe from makeup fallout.
Theair is full of buzz and chatter as the photographer and his assistant scuttle about, setting up lights around the sofas and fireplace at the other end of the room.Acrossthe dining table from me, the wardrobe person runs a sticky roller over a black suit that must be forConnor.
Butwhere he is, is anyone’s guess.
Ihaven’t seen him for days, not sinceIleft him in the library after the wholeCentralParkphotos mess.I’vebeen in and out, going to class and picking up groceries, and haven’t bumped into him once.Noteven whenI’vebeen puttering about the house making meals, doing laundry, or studying in the yard.
I’veheard him around, but he’s been out beforeI’veleft my room and not back beforeI’vegone to bed.Butat least whatever he’s been doing with his evenings hasn’t ended up in the gossip columns, soI’mthinking positively and hoping he’s been working late.
Ican’t help but worry he’s avoiding me, though.EvenifI’mnot sure why he would.Hewas so kind and thoughtful whenIwas upset about the pictures thatIthought we were starting to get along.Heeven touched my arm a few times.Thatwas unexpected.Andnot unpleasant.
