Page 91 of Heir of Fire
“Then don’t go,” Finn said. “If she makes you feel powerless, take back the power. Don’t let her control you.”
She shook her head. “I can’t do that. It disappoints my father, and I can’t leave Allister to do it alone. He doesn’t deserve it either.”
“So then what? You just keep going with the pain until she decides that she’s over the visits?” He was asking a genuine question, but the question still stung because of how truthful it was. Is that what her future looked like? Being led by a leash on these visits year after year, even when she was married, had kids, was fifty years old, sixty?
Maybe it was.
Because it was her mother.
The thought hit her so hard, she swore she felt the pain come from her chest. It was brutal how much she continued holding onto something that was never there, something she had idealized her entire life and become envious of, only to never receive.
“I don’t know,” she whispered.
“Do you want to go tomorrow?” Finn asked, his voice so quiet.
Gianna took in a deep breath, leaning her head into the crook of his neck. “Yes and no. Part of me wishes she was dead, just so I could mourn her and move on from it. Or maybe not dead. Maybe just that she could leave and never return again. Then I wouldn’t have to anticipate it. I could live my life without the reminder. The other part of me holds onto the visits. It’s the only way I know where she is, that she is alive, that she actually exists. For a moment, when we’re sitting there talking, I imagine that she’ll say she’s staying and then she’ll apologize for everything. That she’ll say she was young and confused, but that she loves us more than anything. And I’ll forgive her right away because it makes sense to. But it never happens and the visit ends. She gets into the car and drives away and then I hate her all over again. I hate myself for ever wishing she would come back.”
“You should never hate yourself for that. Your ability to dream and to try to see the best in other people is what makes you so incomparable to other people. The fact that you wouldforgive her in a heartbeat says everything about you. The fact that she leaves and comes back yearly says everything about her. When you feel it, whenever you’re ready and you decide that you don’t want to do the visits anymore, just tell me. I’ll be there every step of the way. You’re never alone, princess. Not in this lifetime. Not as long as you’re mine.” His voice carried out into the lake around them almost as if he was giving a speech to the masses, but the words were reserved for her alone. She didn’t need to look at his face to know that he was staring down at her. She felt the goosebumps on her skin. He didn’t push and he didn’t force her. Instead, he put it into her hands. He gave her the control.
She didn’t know if the day would ever come. Hell, she didn’t know if tomorrow would even come. Life was unpredictable in that way.
What she did know was that with Finn, right there, that was her safety. As long as she had him by her side, she could get through it.
FORTY-ONE
GIANNA
Gianna didn’t knowhow long they sat on the dock for, but they were able to switch the topic back to more lighthearted matters to get her mind off everything. She didn’t know how, but Finn had managed to get laughs out of her, which usually didn’t happen on the nights before she went to visit her mother.
But he was telling some story about going fishing and accidentally catching the hook on Augustus’s pants, causing them to rip right at the ass. Gianna couldn’t help but cackle at the fighting it must have led to between them.
“I really can’t believe you even went fishing,” she said, shaking her head.
“What does that mean?” he asked, his brow raised.
“You are so not the type.”
“Like I said, it was a one-time experience. I don’t think I would ever do it again,” he said. He looked around, his eyes widening slightly. “Damn, I didn’t notice how dark it already got.”
She did the same, shrugging. “I didn’t either. I do want to say thank you for taking me out tonight and getting my mind off everything. I would have been losing my mind at home.”
“You’re my princess. I’ll do anything for you.”
Gianna grinned, feeling a little cheeky. “Now, don’t start throwing around phrases like that.”
His face scrunched in confusion. “Which one?”
“Saying you would do anything for me.”
“I said it because I meant it.” He leaned in, brushing his nose against hers. “Why? You have some crazy request?”
She shrugged. “No, nothing like that.”
Gianna looked down at the ground, absentmindedly kicking her feet to draw his attention in further. She knew he was hooked the moment he moved in impossibly close, pulling her onto his lap.
“There’s something going on in that pretty little mind of yours and I want to know what it is,” he said. His eyes were already darker in anticipation, while his hands held her hips.
Sure, he had done a great job providing a distraction, but she could use more of one. One that she had thought about and considered but never knew if he would actually be interested in or not. But in the dark, all alone like they were, there was truly no better chance than now.
