Page 104 of Memories By the Shore
This isn’t always how things go, but the more I thought about Avery leaving, the more I fell deeper into myself. When I knew she was going to move back to Arizona, my mind had already accepted it. I began looking for ways for us to still be together. Because I knew we would. But then after finding out she was pregnant and believing she wouldn’t actually be going away just to face the possibly that I was going to lose something I hadn’t yet been able to experience was like being submerged underwater with no way to find the surface.
Arizona: I can’t sleep. I miss you.
Arizona: I feel so alone.
Dad: Twelve more hours.
He’s counting down until he breaks into my house, I know it. I glance at the time and date. I haven’t even beengone for forty-eight hours, yet.
I need to respond to them, but there’s not enough motivation in me to do it. I drop my phone back onto the floor, then roll back on my side and yank the blanket over my head, falling back asleep.
A pounding on the door wakes me from the darkness. Unsure if it’s a dream, I close my eyes again. The rapping at the door grows harder and quicker.Maybe it’s not a dream?Is it my dad? I consider not answering it and burying my face into the thick comforter of the floor bed.
“Jasper!” I hear her yell my name through the wood, followed by another impatient rhythm.
Avery.Avery!
I should want to see her. I love her, but when I’m in this state, everything outside of lying in bed is nearly unbearable. I doze off for an unclear amount of time. But then, there’s a banging on the glass door to the back patio.
Sucking in a deep breath, I peel myself off the floor and drag my feet over to the back door.
“What the fuck, Jasper!?” Avery storms inside the beach house. “Is this where you’ve been the last forty-eight hours?”
I can tell she’s upset, but the fog in my brain prevents me from empathizing. It angers me to my core.
“Yes,” I say, gripping the handle on the door.
“Your dad told me you were here.” Avery’s hair is thrown into a bun, and her eyes have dark circles underneath them.
“I figured he would,” I say in an even voice.
“I shouldn’t have had to hear it from him!” she snaps. “I should have known. You’re my husband!
“I’m sorry,” is all I can offer.
Her shaky arms fold across her chest. “How could you just leave me like that?”
My head falls as I squeeze my eyelids shut. “I’m sorry, Avery.”
“You said this was something I wouldn’t have to do alone.” Her voice cracks with desperation. “I trusted you!”
“I know.” Closing the door, I walk right past her and back to the bed. She needs comfort and wants to be held tight, but I can’t find the urge to do it.
“You promised, Jasper.” Tears fall from her eyes.
I drop to the floor, almost missing the side of the low bed. “I know that too.”
“That’s all you have to say?” she presses, losing her patience.
I want more than anything to give her what she wants. I also want to explain when these episodes take control, I feel powerless to stop them. Like those intrusive thoughts say,what would happen if you swerved to the left ever so slightly into oncoming traffic?But then, the rational voice always overpowers, preventing you from following through. How can I explain to her, at this emotional time, that the sensible voice inside my head is nowhere to be found?
“I’m doing the best I can.” I run a tired hand through my dirty hair. “This is hard for me too.”
“But if we can’t lean on each other during hard times like this, how will a marriage ever work?” she counters.
My brain sends panic signals pulsing through my veins, but it simply feels like a dull buzz easily shaken off.Fuck, I want to feel. I can’t even remember what it was like to feel.
“Everything will befine—”
