Page 76 of Burdens
I turned around and realized what she was pointing at. A closed door that I hadn’t paid attention to before—quite preoccupied with more important things—was tucked in the far right corner of the bedroom.
My head cocked to the side as I looked back at her, her smile widening at the look on my face. “So you had me shower outside when there was a perfectly functioning one, with hot water, right here?” I said, stalking toward her.
She playfully shrugged. “I would say I’m sorry, but I’m not really.” She yelped when I grabbed her foot and tugged her toward me.
“Noah,” she yelled as I bent down and threw her over my shoulder.
I slapped her ass. “Let’s get you cleaned up,” I told her as I carried her over to the bathroom.
Her laughter boomed around us and God, did I miss that sound too.
CHAPTER 21
NOAH (PRESENT)
I hadn’t beenable to help myself and had her one more time before we thoroughly cleaned ourselves in the shower.
We were currently in bed, sitting in a perfectly peaceful quiet as Amalia half lay on top of me with my arm around her waist and resting against her lower back under her shirt. She had one arm folded over my chest, her cheek resting on top. Her eyes were watching her other hand as it traced idle circles along my front.
If I could stop time and stay in this snapshot of a moment for the rest of my life, I would do it in a heartbeat.
I reached and tucked a wet strand of her hair that had fallen over her forehead behind her ear. Then my hands skimmed behind her body, my palms splaying on her back to bring her closer.
“I never stopped thinking about you,” I confessed in the quiet air.
She let out a breathy laugh. “I wish I could say I didn’t think about you, but I’d be lying. No matter how many times I tried, you were always there at the back of my mind.”
I knew her words weren’t meant to hurt me, but guilt instantly washed over me at the fact that I’d played a major part in us being apart for so long.
I’d always regretted not having been able to do something before it felt too late to try. I’d then ended up falling into complacency because I’d thought it’d be easier for her to live without me and be angry than be with me and all my scars.
Realistically, I knew being perfect wasn’t an achievable goal, no matter how many times my father had tried to beat it into me. But when I’d been faced with my demons after the loss of my mother, coming out on the other side had appeared to be a lot more difficult than I’d imagined.
I’d always felt like my brain wasn’t my own, but after my grief dragged on for months, I’d sought help for the first time in my life and was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and complex post-traumatic disorder.
I’d masked my pain for so long because mental health simply wasn’t something we talked about where I was from and the environment I’d grown up in.
I’d been taught to hide any of my feelings but especially the negative ones. It’d been ingrained in me to push them aside and keep going because doing otherwise made me inadequate.
Being sad or losing interest in things wasn’t normal. It was shelved as me being lazy. Feeling wasn’t seen as a strength. It was a weakness. Barreras didn’t have weaknesses as my father had always loved to remind me.
And I’d unfortunately found a way to be the best at keeping my feelings in to avoid his wrath. But the moment the news of my mother’s death broke, it acted as a dam over years of repressed emotions and worsened my condition.
I’d eventually learned to live with both and found a regimen that worked for me, which meant that the darkness that used to constantly loom over my head wasn’t as frightening anymore.
But finding something that worked didn’t mean I’d magically been healed and was fine to go on with life like nothing had ever happened. It just felt like when I was faced with it, I could handle it and not retreat into old habits of pushing it away and acting like everything was fine.
Because I’d realized after several sessions with my therapist that I hadn’t been okay for a very long time.
“Hey, where did you go?” she whispered, her fingers brushing against my stubble.
My gaze met hers and hesitated for a moment. I brushed a thumb over her cheek and finally readied myself to finally tell her what I’d wanted to all these years ago when I came back looking for her.
“I’m sorry I left. I just… When my mother died, I felt like I was drowning and I didn’t know how to… survive.” The last word came out barely above a whisper.
I thought back to the time when I’d been at my lowest. Despite everything I’d been through during my childhood, my mother had always been a constant, there to guide me through it all. But when she died, so did the balance that kept me from faltering.
Her loss had made me unsteady.
