Page 87 of Burdens
Taking a deep breath, he met my gaze again. “I’m sorry I stormed off earlier.”
My eyes widened in surprise. “You’resorry? Jamal, I’m the one who should be sorry. I am sorry for not telling you sooner, for what my…” I paused, the word caught in my throat. I let out a deep sigh, but before I could continue, he interrupted me.
“Don’t apologize for him,” he protested. There was a hint of anger in his voice, but it wasn’t aimed at me, at least I hoped it wasn’t. But it quickly faded away with his next words. “You’re not responsible for what he did.”
I shook my head. “I know, but…” I began, but I wasn’t sure what to say because in some way, I knew he was right.
I wasn’ttechnicallyresponsible for what happened, or for any of my father’s actions, but deep down, everything always came back to one thing despite how hard I’d tried to ignore it over the years.
If I had been good enough, strong enough to withstand him, I would have completed my initiation, taken the role I’d been born for, and none of this would have happened.
My mother, Reda, and I wouldn’t have had to hide for all these years. I wouldn’t have worked for the Bureau. I wouldn’t have met Ayoub or his wife. My father wouldn’t have tried to teach me a lesson.
Jamal wouldn’t have suffered for years from extensive injuries a firemyfather had caused, wouldn’t have lost the two most important people in his life.
Countless lives had been lost at the hands of my father.What if I could have prevented all of it?
A hand on my shoulder jolted me out of my rumination.
“Hey,” Jamal said firmly and my eyes met his. “It isn’t your fault. None of this was. I was angry earlier, but it wasn’t at you.”
I cocked my head to the side, raising a skeptical brow in response.
“Okay, okay, I was a little mad at you,” Jamal admitted with a sheepish look, “but it was only because you didn’t tell me sooner. The only person I—well, I don’t even think ‘hate’ covers it—is Barrera.”
There was a pause before Jamal added, “And I wouldn’t be the man you raised me to be if I blamed you for whathedid.”
His words didn’t erase years of guilt, but it eased the nozzle I’d had gripping tight around my chest from the moment I ran out of a house on fire, carrying a ten-year-old kid in my arms,only to watch his whole world crumble under the flames while I waited for the backup I’d called on the way there.
No matter how hard the aftermath of that day was, it had brought Jamal into my life, who quickly became one of the biggest blessings of my life.
I learned so much about myself raising him and he taught me that all my fears about being a parent one day were unfounded.
That despite my missteps and mistakes, he’d still stand by me.
I wasn’t my father and I’d never be. And there was something a little freeing about realizing that.
Tears welled at the back of my eyes as I reached up, gently cupping the back of his head like I always had when he was a kid. “Thank you,” I murmured, my voice thick with emotion.
He placed a hand on my shoulders, squeezing once. “I don’t know what you’re thanking me for, but you’re most welcome,” he said, a teasing smile playing on his lips.
I shook my head and brought him into a hug, something we rarely did. He reluctantly wrapped his arms around my upper back, patting it once. He moved to pull away, but I tightened my hold on him, needing just another second.
He chuckled, giving me another pat on the back. “Okay, I think it’s enough hugging to last a lifetime,” he teased.
I released him from the embrace and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, bringing him to my side. “Guess I didn’t do too bad of a job with you.”
He glanced at me. “Well, don’t give yourself all the credit,” he countered with a grin.
I’d missed this side of him. He didn’t show it very often or to most people, but whenever he did, you felt special because you knew every smile or laugh he gave you was genuine.
I smiled at him. “Fair enough,” I conceded, ruffling my hand over the top of his head.
He jerked his head away but didn’t move from my side. “You’re messing up my hair, man.”
I laughed, playfully flicking the back of his head. “Show some respect to your elders.”
He furrowed his brows, a playful glint dancing in his eyes. “You’re not even a decade older than I am.”
