Page 104 of Burdens
Although I’d cared for Jamal for many years and he was family, being a father felt like stepping into uncharted territory that I didn’t know if I could live up to.
Our experiences, good and bad, shaped us whether we wanted them to or not. But over the last four years and particularly these past nine months, my perspective had shifted and I’d come to realize that I could do it. That I could be the father I’d always longed for.
I was aware that I’d inevitably make mistakes along the way, but I knew I’d never be my father. The scars from my childhood hadn’t magically disappeared, but I’d made a vow to myself that I’d fight every day.
To show up on both good and bad days because I wanted to keep fighting. My wife and soon-to-be-born daughter made me want to keep fighting.
Watching Amalia’s pregnancy evolve had been one of the most beautiful and humbling experiences. My love for my wife already had no bounds, but every day, I kept falling more and more in love with her.
Her strength. Her resilience.
The encompassing peace having her in my life gave me.
She made me a better person. She made mewantto be a better person.
Now, she never shied away from putting me in my place when I was wrong or when I was self-sabotaging but she gave me the space to heal at my own pace.
Despite all of my demons, she loved mebecauseof who I was, not in spite of it.
I’d known the moment I’d laid eyes on her that I was in trouble and I wouldn’t change it.
She was the best kind of trouble and no matter how cheesy it sounded, I was truly the luckiest man on earth that I got to experience her love and have her by my side.
And I couldn’t wait for our daughter to experience it too.
Nurses had been bustling around and doing an amazing job, but my attention had been solely focused on Amalia this whole time.
She’d been in labor for the last sixteen hours and pushing for the last two. I hated how much pain she was going through. Every strangled cry and twist of pain crossing her face tightened the knot in my chest even further.
I wanted to do something, anything, but there was nothing I could do but stand next to her and support my wife with whatever she needed me.
Especially after she threatened to kill me if I left or passed out on her. And I knew her promises weren’t empty because I’d seen her literally end people before.
I’d rather not be another one of her victims.
Amalia let out another loud scream, squeezing my hand even more tightly than the other times, and in the next moment, Dr. Alonso announced, “You have a beautiful and healthy baby girl.”
The first cries of our baby filled the air and turned my attention to where they lifted her up and nothing could have prepared me for this moment.
Nothing.
A well of emotions washed over me as I watched the team place our baby skin-to-skin on Amalia’s chest as they cleaned her from the other side of where I stood.
My breathtaking wife had tears falling down her cheeks and I quickly brushed them away as I placed my forehead against her.
“You’re fucking incredible,” I said, kissing her temple and letting my lips linger for a moment before I pulled back.
I pushed her hair out of her face, brushing the strands behind her ear, as I watched her mesmerized by our daughter.
“I really am,” Amalia said between sobs, brushing her thumb back and forth over our daughter’s chubby cheek. She looked down at her with the most beautiful smile on her face. “You’ve been in my vagina forever, but I love you so much.”
She dropped her head back on her pillow in relief. “Holy shit, fuck sorry. I don’t know, can she understand me already,” she continued, laughing and crying at the same time.
“I think you’re safe,” I replied with a laugh before pressing a chaste kiss to her lips.
The staff kept working, briefly taking our daughter away to assess her and do everything they needed to, while the doctor finished helping Amalia.
I stood watching the bustle as I replayed in my mind everything that had just happened.
