Page 82 of Burdens
“Ready to tell me what’s wrong?”
Guess this is the end of me trying to avoid this conversation.
I let out a heavy sigh, running a hand through my hair, and placed his bag, which I was still holding, against the wall in the entry hallway.
Dread crept up my spine as I headed for the living room. “I have to tell you something, and…” I blew out a breath. “Let’s sit,” I told him, settling on one of the couches.
The tension in the room climbed to a suffocating level and I kept my gaze fixed on the floor for a moment before eventually meeting Jamal’s worried gaze, finding him sitting on the other sofa.
“You’re scaring me, man. What is it?” Jamal urged me on.
I stared up at the ceiling before meeting his gaze again.
You can do this Noah, then he’ll make his decision.
“I don’t really know where to start or how to even tell you this. You might hate me after and I wouldn’t blame you because I probably would feel the same way, but I need you to know one thing.” I paused, taking a deep breath to try to dislodge the heaviness that weighed down my chest. “I’m sorry.”
Jamal’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Noah, you’re not making any sense.”
“Can you promise me that despite anything I say, you’ll let me tell you everything?” I asked, needing to hear him say the words. It was already taking every ounce of energy in me havingto tell him. I’d never be able to get through a single sentence if he interrupted me in between.
“Wh—” he started, but I cut him off.
“Just promise me,” I pleaded.
He stayed quiet for a moment, but the look on my face eventually made him relent in my favor. “Fine. I promise.”
I took a final deep breath and told him everything. From being born a Barrera, to why I’d escaped. I told him about my father and my childhood, about my mother and Reda.
I didn’t leave any details out. I unloaded everything I could think of because I was done keeping secrets.
Through it all, his face stayed impassive as he kept his promise and listened.
I didn’t know if that was better or worse. When I’d told Amalia, I’d wanted her anger, but with Jamal, I didn’t know what would be easier.
His anger or his impassiveness, because in both instances, they weren’t something I wanted to receive from him.
But his mask faltered when I revealed the truth about his parents, about what truly happened. He’d been aware that my father was responsible, but he hadn’t known why.
A loaded silence fell upon us once I finished, a whirlwind of emotions displayed on Jamal’s face.
I wanted to tell him how sorry I was over and over again, but my sorrys wouldn’t erase the years of lies or the impact my legacy had on his past.
The only thing I could do right now was wait for him to make his decision, to react the way he deemed fit. I would like to say I was prepared for any outcome, but in reality, I wasn’t.
After minutes that felt like they’d stretched into hours, a cloak of anger swarmed his irises and he stood up. Without a word or glance in my direction, he walked away and out into the courtyard, the iron door clicking shut behind him.
I wanted to stop him, but I stayed rooted in my spot. Jamal was rarely someone who lashed out when he was angry, although that might have been easier for me since then I’d know how he was actually feeling.
I’d normally force him to talk to me, but I knew he needed his space and I’d give it to him. My ease and need to know where his head was at wasn’t a priority right now, no matter how gut-wrenching seeing him walk away was.
The stifling stillness that ensued after his exit sent sadness gripping me by the throat. I closed my eyes, soreness growing behind my eyelids.
I brought my hands up and gripped my hair, hoping to alleviate the ache in my chest. I wanted to scream, to break things, but I wasn’t entitled to.
This wasn’t about me.
Logically, I knew I wasn’t responsible for my past. I didn’tmakemy father do this to his family, but it didn’t relieve my guilt. For some reason, it made it worse. I tried to control my breathing, but each lungful of air became harder to inhale.
