Page 66 of Back to You
Sebastian sat back, watching me carefully. “You sure?”
I forced a small, easy smile. “Positive.”
He didn’t look convinced, but he didn’t push. Instead, he stood up, stretching. “Pancakes are getting cold.”
I let out a small laugh, standing too. “You’re really proud of these, huh?”
“Damn right, I am.”
But as we walked to the kitchen, something lodged itself in my chest. An unwanted thought, an unwanted fear. I wanted to be here. I wanted this. I really did.
But deep inside, there was still this small part of me that was scared. Scared of where I’ve been. Scared of what I’ve gone through. Scared of what this could be. And most of all, scared how it would kill me if I lost this.
Breakfast was good. Annoyingly good. And he knew it, grinning every time I took a bite. The easy warmth between us felt dangerous. So I focused on his voice instead. He was telling me about a prank they pulled at the firehouse last week.
“So, Andres was in the middle of a shower, right? And I -”
I nearly choked on my coffee. “No.”
“Oh yeah,” he said, smirking. “We filled up a bucket of ice water, got the rookies to distract him, and then—bam!” He clapped his hands. “Right over the top of the stall.”
I burst out laughing. The image was too ridiculous. Sebastian grinned, eyes crinkling at the corners. It was one of those rare moments where everything felt untouched by the weight of my own mind. That was, until it didn’t.
The fear sat in my stomach like a stone. I pushed my food around my plate, my appetite suddenly gone. Sebastian must have noticed because he reached across the table, touching my wrist lightly.
“You okay?”
Lie. Just lie. “Yeah,” I said, smiling quickly. “Just thinking about the bakery, there’s still so much to do.”
He nodded, satisfied with that answer. But I hated myself for giving it. Because the truth? I’m a damn mess, and I don’t know how to fix it. I look at Sebastian, and all I can think about is how much I love him—how deeply, hopelessly in love I am. Boy, am I screwed.
Sebastian left for work later that morning. I kissed him before he walked out the door, but something felt different. I told myself it felt the same as always, but it didn’t.
Not because he had changed, but because I had. I knew this feeling. I’d felt it before. The slow, creeping hesitation. The quiet unraveling of something I should have been holding onto. The last time I felt this way, it was senior year.
Sebastian kissed me at graduation and held me like he thought love alone could make me stay. And for a second, I let myself believe it. But I still left. I had to.
I told myself that I needed to experience life outside of this small town, that this place, this love, wasn’t enough. The truth was, I was scared back then too. Scared of what it meant to love someone like him—completely, deeply, all at once. Scared of what it meant to build my future around a person instead of my own dreams, So I left.
I left and did the same shit I was running away from. All my decisions became about Andrew. What a fucking mistake that had been.
I turned my world upside down for a man that didn’t love me. Not really. He loved control, power, the way he could shape me into whatever version of me best suited him, and I let him. I fucking let him. Why the hell did I do that?
So what was I doing now? Running again? Pushing Sebastian away because I was scared of what it meant to stay? Or was I just trying to save us both from the inevitable heartbreak?
Because I knew how this story ended. Love wasn’t enough to keep me from leaving before, and love sure as hell hadn’t saved me from Andrew. So what made me think it would save me now?
I leaned against the counter, staring at the half-empty coffee cup I hadn’t even realized I was gripping. Sebastian was gone, and the house felt too quiet without him. A small part of me was relieved.
I was alone, I could finally breathe, finally think, finally try and get myself together. But another part of me, a much larger part, felt hollow. Because I’d been here before. Closing myself off. Creating space before someone else could take it from me.
I should stop. I should let myself have this. I should let myself enjoy true happiness, but the truth settled deep in my chest, thick and suffocating.
Everyone leaves. Everyone hurts you. Leave before you are left. No matter how badly I didn’t want to, I needed to pull away. I needed to protect myself and my heart.
CHAPTER 28
Mariana
