Page 39 of Back to You
My mother is curled beneath a hospital blanket, smaller than I remember, frail in a way that makes my chest ache.
The hospital gown hangs loose on her frame, her once full cheeks now sunken, her skin dull with exhaustion. When she notices me, her eyes light up, and for a moment, she looks just like my mom again.
"Hola, mija. There’s my precious girl." Her voice is thin and fragile.
I force a smile, swallowing against the knot forming in my throat. “Bendición, Mami.” I whisper, leaning down to press a kiss to her forehead. “I’ve missed you.”
I take my usual seat beside her bed, my fingers instinctively reaching for hers. Her hand is cold, frail, but she squeezes mine gently like she always does. Like she’s still her, even when her body is betraying her.
"How are you, Mija? How’s the bakery?" she asks, her thumb brushing lightly over my knuckles.
I take a shaky breath, trying to find some semblance of normalcy in this moment. “It’s going well, finally coming together.”
She smiles. "That’s wonderful, sweetheart. And how are things with Sebastian? He’s been helping you, right?"
I let out a small, breathy laugh, already knowing where this is going. “Yeah, he’s been helping a lot. We actually went cliff diving last week.”
Her eyes widen, and she gasps, bringing a hand to her chest. "Cliff diving? Ave María purísima!”
A real, genuine laugh escapes me for the first time all day. “Sorry, Mami. I was scared out of my mind, but honestly? It was fun.”
She shakes her head, a small smile tugging at her lips. "That Sebastian… I’m going to have a long talk with him next time hevisits. That boy has always had a way of convincing you to try new things."
I blink, confused. “Wait… when does he visit you?”
My mom tilts her head at me, amusement dancing in her tired eyes. “All the time, mija.”
I sit up straighter. “Sebastian comes here?”
She nods, smiling fondly. "Oh yes. He brings me a cafecito con pan de mallorca, and we catch up. I’ve been trying to coax the bochinche out of him about what’s going on between you two, but that boy can keep a secret."
Something in my chest clenches painfully, I had no idea. All this time, I thought I was navigating this grief alone.
But Sebastian? He’s been here. He’s been showing up, for my mom, for me, even when I didn’t know it, even when I didn’t ask, even when I never once deserved it.
I shake my head, trying to push past the lump in my throat. “Mom, there’s no bochinche,” I say, rolling my eyes. “Nothing has happened between us. Just friends, remember?”
My mom hums, unconvinced. "But you want something to happen, yes?"
I groan, leaning back in my chair. “I don’t know, Mami.”
She narrows her eyes, tilting her head. "Don’t lie to me, Mariana. A mother can always tell."
I let out a heavy breath, staring up at the ceiling wishing the answer would be written there. “I went through a lot with Andrew,” I admit, my voice quieter now. “And even though I know Sebastian would never do the things he did… I can’t help but shut down when I think about what we could become. I can’t help but feel…”
My mother’s voice is gentle but firm. “Scared?”
I flinch. The word buries itself deep in my chest, hitting like a truth I’ve been trying to avoid. Scared…I’m terrified.
Deep down, I’ve always known that everything Andrew did to hurt me left scars I couldn’t fully see—wounds that ran deeper than I ever wanted to admit.
But between his death, my lupus diagnosis, and now my mother’s illness, life hasn’t exactly given me the space to breathe, let alone heal. I’ve been surviving, not thriving. Existing, not living.
Now, being back home, being around Sebastian, sitting here with my mother, I’m finally feeling it. The pain, the weight of it. The way it’s shaped me into someone I don’t quite recognize anymore.
I look at my mom, tears blurring my vision. “Yes,” I whisper. “I’m scared, Mami.”
Her expression softens, her eyes filled with sorrow—a sorrow I know she wishes she could take from me. "Mamita, I love you, and I’m so sorry for everything you went through. You’ve carried more than anyone ever should."
