Page 42 of Back to You
She’s under my skin in a way that feels impossible to shake. Like the scent of rain on pavement, lingering long after the storm has passed. Like an old injury, healed on the surface but aching when the weather shifts. Being without Mariana isn’t just an absence—it’s a loss I feel everywhere.
It’s an empty seat beside me on long drives, where she used to sit with her feet tucked under her, singing off-key just to make me laugh. It’s reaching for a hand that isn’t there, feeling the ghost of her touch in places she used to rest against me. It’s hearing a joke and turning to tell her, only to remember that she’s not here.
It’s passing the old movie theater and remembering how we used to sneak into R-rated films, her gripping my wrist, trying to hold in her laughter so we wouldn’t get caught. It’s hearing a song from high school and feeling my chest cave in because I can still hear her belting the lyrics, getting half the words wrong, not caring at all.
It’s waking up in the middle of the night, heart pounding, convinced for a split second that she’s still mine. That if I just reach across the sheets, I’ll find her there. But my hand only meets empty space, and reality crashes down so hard it steals the breath from my lungs.
It’s not just missing her, it’s more than that. It’s carrying the share of her absence everywhere I go. She’s everywhere because she was my everything.
No matter where I go, I see her—I feel her. I can’t escape it because, for so long, shewasmy whole world. I tell myself I got used to life without her. I tell myself that I’ve moved on.
But the truth is I don’t think I ever learned how, and that terrifies me.
Just as I’m about to start my car, my phone vibrates. My pulse kicks up, my breath catching. I snatch it up, half dreading, half hoping. But it’s not her. It’s Mateo. I debate letting it go to voicemail, but the alternative is sitting here, drowning in my own thoughts.
I swipe to answer. “What?”
Mateo laughs. “Damn, good to hear your voice too, man. You good?”
I rub my temple. “Fine.”
“You sure?” Mateo drawls, amusement lacing his voice, the hint of a smirk clear without even having to look at his face.
I don’t answer.
“Let me guess.” Mateo chuckles. “It’s about your hot ex who came back into town, and everyone’s thirsting over her?”
Something sharp and possessive coils in my chest. I scoff, gripping the wheel tighter. “Shut the hell up.”
Mateo laughs. “Ah. Soit isabout Mari.”
My jaw locks. Mateo must hear the silence, because his grin practically drips through the phone. “Dude. Are you seriously still in this pretending you don’t care phase? Because I’m gonna keep it real with you; some other guy out there won’t hesitate the way you do.”
A muscle in my jaw ticks. “Yeah?” I say, voice low. “Well, some other guy better not fucking look at her like that.”
Mateo barks out a laugh. “See? Now we’re getting somewhere.”
I roll my eyes. “Did you just call just to be a pain in my ass, or did you need something?”
Mateo is quiet for a second. “I’m just saying… If you still care about her, maybe stop pretending you don’t.”
I swallow hard. “It’s not that simple.”
“Yeah, it never is.” A beat of silence. “But maybe it doesn’t have to be as complicated as you make it.”
I don’t have an answer to that.
Mateo sighs. “Alright, I’ll leave you alone. Just… don’t let fear make the decision for you, man.”
The call ends, and I sit there, gripping the phone, my knuckles white. I let out a long breath, staring at my reflection in the rearview mirror.
I know what I want, I just don’t know if I can survive losing her again—but maybe Mateo is right.
I grab my phone again, open our messages, and—the screen goes black. Battery dead.
I huff out a laugh, shaking my head. Maybe that’s a sign. For now, I throw the phone onto the seat, put the car in drive, and head home.
CHAPTER 15
